Because The Hash Tag is not Enough!!

I remember, I might have been eight or nine years old, when I first experienced this... old enough to know the difference between the casual stares and those with wicked intentions...
"Molestation" "Eve teasing" I did not know these terms back then, but I knew that the boys looking at me were not thinking anything good about me...
Once I visited one of my uncle's house in Varanasi, it was monsoon season, it's particularly celebrated in Varanasi, "Sawan" they call it...
There would be fair and fete with lots of rides to ride... It's a festival of fun for us kids... Or it was until that day...
Me and my cousins visited one fete near my uncle's house, they had a mini replica of Giant wheel, we were on that ride when I saw a boy looking at me sniggering and pointing at me, to his friends. My first response to it was to ignore him, and enjoy my ride... But somehow I couldn't get him out of my mind and his face kept coming in front of my sight where ever I went in the fair...
Luckily enough my Uncle's house was near by and we were a bunch of girls together, that's why those boys couldn't do anything to us, or maybe they never intended to do anything...
But I remember, I still do... That stare and that face and those pointing people at me... I felt like I'm not a person at all. I felt like I'm an object, a funny looking or I don't know what kind of an item that they could point at and talk about and make fun of...

Going out in bunch helps, but not always...

Again once I visited my Grandmother's place in Varanasi, it was "Barawafat" time, a kind of festival celebrated grandly over there, whole of the "Nai Sarak" was decorated, it was my first stay during that festival, people erected platforms with decorations over it in front of their shops, it was bright, and beautiful to look at... One of my cousins offered to take us out for visiting various platforms around the locality... We were all excited... It was my first time you know... And the last...
We went everywhere and everywhere we had fun we ate "Chat" and "Golgappas" (Indian snacks)
All of a sudden we realized some people are following us, we discussed it amongst us, one of my cousins said 'stay close and if they linger longer we'll tell our brothers' (the elder cousins who were with us) but somewhere we lost those following men. I was relieved... For time being...
Finally when it was getting late, the eldest of our cousins suggested it would be prudent to return home. While we were heading back to home, we faced a very jam packed street (the "Daal Mandi) we tried getting our way through it...
And there I felt...
A hand on my back...
Feeling me... I looked back, nobody was looking directly at me, I couldn't tell by their expressions which one of them was that person, but I spotted those people who were following us, they were staring ahead, I couldn't tell who was doing it among them, but I was sure it was them... their faces were expressionless...
As if nothing out of place is been done...
I tried to push my way through the mob and I kept screaming in my younger sister's ears... "Stay ahead of me, keep moving". When we finally reached home that day I told this story to my cousins and some of them shared the same experience, they said someone behind them was touching them and all the could do was keep moving and not turn back... By common consensus we decided we would never go to see the platforms again on "Barawafat"

I kept contemplating why they did it, I wasn't very much educated in the matter back then, and with time I realised... It's not the gratification of sexual kind that they receive (I mean up-to some extent they do) it's the game of power... I felt like "being at the mercy of them" on that street... That's what they seek... They want submission... And that's their way...

We make changes in our lives so that we don't succumb to these teasing and molesting on a daily basis... I did not tell about these incidences to anyone, first one to no one and the next one we girls (me and my cousins) discussed it amongst us but said nothing to elders...
I don't know why? Were we ashamed of it!?...
Maybe...
Over the years I discovered it's generally us the victim who feel ashamed...
Why should we be ashamed?!?  Why every girl feels it awkward to express her experiences... Why only the "hash tag" and not the story behind it...

People say she was out at a "wrong" time or may be at "wrong" place... I pray, please define "wrong"!!
"wrong" time, "wrong" place, "wrong" clothes, "wrong" attitude...
I think there is something seriously "wrong" with a society that sees everything "wrong" in the victim...
It was a "wrong" person who did it, be it the rape of a girl who's out late at night or the woman perfectly inside her house...
Stop victim blaming and shaming... Shame the culprit and we might get things toward a better direction...

Yeah #me-too!!

GOODBYE BEFORE LEAVING...

I'm not updating this because I want to, but mostly because I have to, I need to...

Maybe it's stupid, but the thought, that this blog post will be out there for you (although you might have no idea that it's for you) and you'll have access to it and you may read it, and in an alternate world or reality you might realize that it refers to you... This thought, it's kind of soothing!

You were a huge inspiration, you were a big mistake too... Well I must not call you a mistake, because mistakes are done by us and you just happened I did nothing (at least not intentionally) and I had no power over this situation... Life has always been twisted for me (I guess it's so for everyone in there own world) but I will always regret getting acquainted with you... I know we knew each other for a long time, but 'knowing' someone is a tricky concept... so I was saying I'll regret getting to know you more than that I should have... But I would thank God for that...  Yeah this whole experience with you this whole 'episode' (by the way that's an official term now on ) it was not only enriching it was worth keeping in my memories... Although it would have been perfect if this episode would have never happened.
I will thank God for bringing this time in my life... I never knew you this way and it opened many locked unheeded doors in my mind too... I used to think life is a game of solitaire, we have to stick to same color people, find the proper sequence the proper color and arrange ourselves that way but when I met you I realized we are jigsaw puzzles... We should find the complimentary parts to fit and complete ourselves... Thanks for this lesson...

So it's a mixed farewell... Yeah it is... Indeed a farewell. Where I'm sad to say goodbye and happy to be free from all those regrets. I've been planning this for a very long time... It's like, sometimes in stories when the best part is been dealt with, the author should be wise enough to wrap the story up... This is that point... Actually we have been, way beyond that point. It should've been wrapped up way back... But... I told you, I haven't been myself lately... Anyway... Now I've gained the courage and sensibility...

This post is not supposed to be very long it's a let-it-all-out kind of post, so that I could breath free after saying my au-revoir

In the end I want to thank you for everything and sorry if I was intolerable (I tend to be so, at times).

We will meet again, although 'sadly' and at the same time 'hopefully' not like 'this'

This post is so full of oxymoron 

Miss You!!

Its crazy... How time flies...
Its 14th of August 2017... Exactly 2 years back we dropped you off at the Airport... You flew away from us, as our India saw its 68th Independence day... when you left you left a gaping hole, that none can ever fill...

I miss you my Hanuka! I never have got over the separation we suffered after Kota days...

You are not only my younger sister, my sibling but you are my friend too...
It seems like yesterday when I was comparing my palm with yours... Yours was so small... You remember??
You couldn't pronounce my name when you were a small kid, you would always call me 'JOVA' even sometimes you called me 'CHUHA' 😆 (rat in Hindi)... I used to get so furious...

I was always worried about you, you were like the responsibility God had bestowed upon me (You were the only younger person to me in the family so I took the liberty of claiming you as mine 😜 )... I would always want to be the one to take care of you, while I know I was the only one who used to hurt you the most too... Let me tell you and also to the whole world... I would look in every nook or cranny for the person who hurt you... I'm a very forgiving person... but not in your case Honey... I'll hate the person who would hurt you, so bad that even if you would forgive him/her... I won't...
I love you so much... You are the apple of my eyes!

I may not be there with you right now and time and distance has come in-between us... but I'm with you always and forever my 'Shona-Bani'

Today its been completely 2 Years since you've parted with me... and I felt some lump in my throat the entire day, and when you called and you were weeping over the phone all I wanted to do was fly and be there with you... But I can't...

I remember how I used to worry what my little Hanuka, is going to do in this strange and wild world?? I had this notion that you won't survive the cruelty of this world... You proved me wrong... I'm all teary typing this all... and I'm so proud too... You proved all of them wrong my Chota Babu... You are more than what you appear... you are everything a person can be... You are the best version of yourself... You are awesome my little love!

I wish you luck, all the way from this side of world... Love and Luck... May we see each other soon... May I hold you one more time in my arms... tight enough and never let go... Take good care and keep going higher!!

"Time and Passion"

I remember when I had loads and loads of time, plenty and surplus. I had no idea what to do with it...

Now I want to do so much of stuff and I need to do so much of stuff and I know how to do it but all that I don't have is "time"...

It's running, running like some predator is behind it, trying to catch it. Running like some last train to final destination is going to leave the platform, running like the only thing it has ever known is running... actually it has... or, may be not... no doubt time knows to go forward, it always has known it, (I don't have a sound knowledge of time and space continuum though) but sometimes it runs, and sometimes it stays... no not stays... flows, like a river, already reached the ocean just the formality of touching those salty water, is left...

Time is strange and defiant... very defiant... never would let us have the pleasure of being in it... Do you understand? 'Being in Time'...

I admired my father always... for being so sincere and so punctual, I used to think that, punctuality is the source of success, "being in time" is the root cause of every big achievement...

But my concept was challenged and got changed... one day I was on the stage, in the auditorium of UPRIMS N R (now UPUMS) in front of "the jury" during RIMS IDOL session, and they asked me, what is most important? Punctuality, Sincerity or Dedication?... I fumbled first, and as I was used to have all my faith in "punctuality" I answered wrong... But what I gained from that wrong answer is a lesson... 

Dedication is the most valuable asset among the three, sincerity and punctuality comes with it...

So I'm not dedicated to my goal!! But then I'm never punctual, I've never been punctual... Am I not dedicated to anything?? I think it can be a possibility, I've seen people with no passion, nothing is there for them to give their whole hearted attention to... Am I that person too?? I can't be... 

Why I ended up here? How did this happen that I still haven't discovered my passion??

Would I ever? I hope I would... 

Acomodador

It's that feeling... The thought of becoming something ordinary and simple... The fear of not being able to be more than just average...

You're having these thoughts, you force them into your unconscious... But somehow they manage to surface up to your conscious... They haunt you... Haunt you until you get paralysed... Not able to move at all... Not able to do anything... Anything that can help you rise above average...

A thought that bring you down to the very point, you've started from... A thought that proves itself...

I want it that way!!

You are my fire 

The one desire

Believe when I say

I want it that way...

Do you remember these lyrics from the Backstreet Boys song, 'I want it that way'?
I was scrolling through the old songs and all of a sudden I came across the album 'Backstreet Boys'
And then while going through their songs I came across this one...

I still remember very vividly, that I fell in love with this song the moment I listened to it... It was love at first sight or first hearing  

I couldn't comprehend it then, how old was I? Nine or ten!?
I don't remember exactly, all I know when that tune used to play I used to get those goose bumps... ting-ti-ting-ti-tidi-ding-ding...
Ah! It was mesmerising...

They used to play it on MTV only, and that channel was a taboo in our society, so I hadn't had a constant access to the song back then, I would change the channel while watching something on TV during they play commercials and would stroll by MTV just to check whether they are playing it or not... Those days!! 

Then we bought our new computer, there was this parody song of 'I want it that way', in one of the flash players... I knew the lyrics were distorted and it was not the same song but I still would play it in full volume and my sisters would all go like, ''there's another bout of B boy's attack''

I had no idea of what the lyrics meant and it was a mysterious song to me, I tried asking people, but no one could explain properly. Internet was not that trending thing back then and if you had a doubt about something you couldn't just pick your phone up and google it...
Then with the advent of internet I had access to the song, I downloaded it later and then played it for like zillion times... I tried looking up for the lyrics and found them, but my immaturity hindered me from understanding the deeper meaning of that song, anyway I just played and played it... Until I got over it and it stayed in one of the corners of D Drive of our computer...

Today while I played this song again I had all those goose bumps back... It was like opening an old email from past which has attachments with it, the song opened up like an old email, and I got the access to those memories attached to the song...

It made me go back to 90's when I was young (I'm still , I was younger back then!) I got reminded of my house in Sarni!! all those memories I had built there, I used to listen to this song while playing 'scientists-scientists' in my garden and then when I was entering my teenage, I used to listen to it while focusing on my targets in studies and I somehow used to connect with it while I was having my first crushes around the place... The thrill I used to get whenever I listened to this song, was amazing, something that I cannot explain...

When I did listen to this song today! I rushed back through the Memory Lane in past and realised I always somehow associated with the lyrics though never understood them...

But we are two worlds apart

Can't reach to your heart

When you say

I want it that way

Tell me why

Ain't nothing but a heartache 

Tell me why

Ain't nothing but a mistake 

Tell me why

I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way

I would smile with motivation sometimes and I would cry with sadness listening to this song but I had no notion what it really wanted to convey... Now I do!!
After all these years I realised it's my mood that this song depicts... My aim, ambition and future...
It's about what I aspire to become, about people, friends, family and my infatuations that I've come across, how I was connected to them then and how we've fallen apart sometimes, how I wanted everything "that way" then,
"my way"

Now I can see that we've fallen apart 

From the way that it used to be yeah

No matter the distance 

I want you to know 

That deep down inside of me...

How simple it was... All these years I've been living it, romanticising the song and never realised 

I'm surely going to listen to it for another zillion times and "I want it that way now"!!

https://youtu.be/4fndeDfaWCg

To appreciate someone is act of valour!!

I travel a lot, I already have mentioned that I travel a lot (if you've read my earlier blogs you would know that 😏). So some times I come across incidences worth mentioning... One of them is this one 👇

I was once travelling from Ghodadongri station to Agra cant. station, it was third or fourth professional year of my graduation, My home (at that time, in Sarni) was eighteen kilometres away from the nearest station, Ghodadongri, a small station with only three platforms, Papa had had to drop me to the station, sometimes I would travel through shared vehicle, but mostly Papa would see me off... I boarded the train in the late afternoon and by the end of the evening I reached Bhopal main station.

There an Old lady boarded the train with some attendant of her's and he made her seated on a berth in front of mine, she was very old and probably illiterate, the attendant made her sit there, adjusted her luggage and gave her, her ticket and left her on the train.

The Travelling Ticket Examiner arrived and he started checking our tickets and Id's and when he asked the old lady for her's, she showed him her ticket.

He was very furious at her because the ticket was online booked and it was not a confirmed ticket but waiting one.

She, on the other hand, had no idea what he's talking about, she said, "my son had these tickets booked for me" as I mentioned she appeared to be illiterate, for her, what ever that TTE said was saying, was gibberish and she kept on saying that, "my son is sending me home to Delhi and he has booked these tickets for me." And then all of a sudden she started crying, saying, "I told him (his son probably)  to come and see me off, I've never travelled alone, I can not read or understand all this and now what can I do??"

There was a Man sitting on the same berth, let's name him 'X' as we are going to refer to him a lot later, it was actually his reserved berth, he started talking to that old lady and asked her where she is from and what his son does in Bhopal and all the general questions, she stopped weeping after the conversation, she told him his son works in some company, he was very furious, he addressed everyone in the coach and said, "if he works in a company he definitely is educated, he should have known the ticket would not be valid if it's still wait listed" everyone nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile our train reached Vidhisha, next Railway Station.  And another gentleman boarded the train, let's refer to him as 'Y', he had reservation for the side lower berth in our coach only and he sat there adjusting his luggage and getting his ticket checked by the TTE.

The TTE  was done, checking everyone's tickets and he addressed the old lady once again, "Amma ji I won't have any problem with you on board but this is an AC coach and seats are limited and you have none reserved to yourself, if you can travel like this in here and other people have no objection (he looked around to refer us all) then you can travel and I won't charge you anything"

X was all of a sudden suggesting her the options she has, "Amma everyone is going to get to sleeping in some while and you would be left without a berth, why don't you simply slip to the next coach and find a seat in non AC coaches, they usually tend to have vacant seats". The suggestion was stupid, the lady was very old and she needed an attendant to carry her luggage and her to the train, how would she take her luggage with her and find for a vacant seat in another coach. The man who seemed all caring and concerned about her suddenly appeared to be wanting to get rid of her. She was again on the verge of crying but only said, "where would I go??"

At that point Y has been introduced with the matter in hand and he asked her about other details of her's like, how is she going to her home from Delhi station, to which she replied that somebody is going to come to fetch her there, Y then offered that he is going to Delhi too and his berth is reserved, the old lady can sit over there.

For the first time the old lady had an expression of relief on her face, I must say I too was relieved for her. But somehow the whole arrangement was not satisfying for X,  he kept saying to Y, "Why you are doing this, she is old and would need to lie down in the night, where would you sleep then? "

But Y was very casual about everything and did not reply at all but just through gesture of his hand said, it's okay! 

With time everyone settled with there sheets and blankets. The lady tried sitting upright for some time but then she started dozing off.

Y suggested her to lie down and after little hesitation she did.

While she was asleep comfortably on the berth of Y. X constantly kept saying," one should not be very gentle with these people... who knows what kind of person she is... I can not be that generous... I need my sleep.... I can not carry her burden"

Well I did not come forward either to help the old lady but what best I could do was appreciate Y's effort of being a bigger person. He did not only allow the old lady to lie down on his berth but spent the entire night I guess sitting (I'm guessing because I unboarded the train in Agra)

When I was lying on my own berth I was thinking about Y and all of a sudden I had this huge respect for him that made me overwhelmed... I did not sleep either for the rest of my journey (partly because I was over thinking and partly because I had to drop at Agra cantt station in the middle of the night) 

I was happy because this man made me feel like there are still good people and the world is not all bad,  through out the night I was framing sentences to appreciate his good deed. I thought I would say, "Sir, what you did today was a Nobel thing to do, I appreciate it!" but then I re-framed my sentence into, "Sir it was an honourable thing that you did today!" then I had this thought that I must add the point that he ignored whatever negativism X was spreading. But then I thought I should not comment on X, I shouldn't be having any truck with X.

Despite of all this planning and thinking I couldn't find the correct time to say this to him and I decided I would say all this while I'll be unboarding on Agra station, I also thought because I would be dropping off at station my berth probably would be vacant. I'll wake him up and would suggest that he can sleep on my berth until someone else comes, it might give him sometime's sleep.

I anticipated that moment when I'll say those words of appreciation to him, how he'll react I had absolutely no idea.

When we reached Agra cantt station, I assembled all my luggage and started to walk towards the exit.

And you know I passed by Y but all I could do was stare at his sleeping face and move forward...

I think I was not brave enough to appreciate him...

I needed more courage to accept in front of him how virtuous his act was... 

Isn't that so, most of us do not appreciate others because we are not brave enough to say someone did well on their face... Appreciation is an act of valour indeed!!

I later regretted not appreciating him in the beginning itself and every statement that I had planned came into my mind through out the morning until I boarded next train for Etawah...

And after all these years I think I've aged enough to be brave enough to appreciate him... But I don't have him around... So whoever you were Mr Y!  And wherever you are... I hope this message of mine would reach you... 

'I salute your virtue, the way you responded to the situation and the fact that despite knowing X was wrong you maintained your dignity and kept his (X's) too and did not humiliate him... It was all great and honourable... I am happy to have witnessed all of that so that I could still have faith in humanity..."

And though it's not same as saying all that over his face... It still is a relief to have unloaded all this

MISS HALFWAY!!

Those days are back... I dream all day, day dream, about stupid stuff... about impossible stuff... I told myself, 'this time it would be different, this time I'm ready, prepared and mature... But you know, you are never mature enough...

Have you ever felt like this, all day, millions of knots in your stomach, that feeling, that stupid, stupid sensation, it gives you a high, a high that's not existent at all... You spent entire day hogged by a single thought, a stupid, idiotic thought, a thought that wants you to surrender... but you've never surrendered... and you will not this time too... you spent entire night waiting for that one thing that one moment, that stupid, fleeting moment... that never comes and you wait... and when the dawn breaks in through the window, you sigh, 'another day to kill'...

I used to feel I become uninspired during this time, I would watch stupid movies, read stupid book (no, sorry books... you are never stupid) and watch stupid videos (like this time), but I think I become more inspired and wired, I spent days imagining, thoughts flow, with millions of possible conversations... thoughts and conversations, which never had occurred... which never ever might occur... I link things to each other, events from past events from present... events from 'yesterday'...
I'm inspired, I'm just miss-directed...

That feeling I get, that tiny hope of future, it gives immense pleasure... for that tiny moment, and as soon as that thought comes over, and tries to give me pleasure, another, very genuine thought follows it, and supervenes... tells me, 'Oh! you stupid girl!'

I know its something I have no power over, no control... The 'storm' enters when it enters... Agitates everything, torns everything apart, dismantles each belonging of mine... But through this hustle and bustle , when I feel most vulnerable, I hear a voice, 'Storm will do what he's best know for... turn you upside down, You do what you are good at, pick yourself up, when the storm is gone and begin again... build, flourish, grow... outlive that 'storm'... Like you always do...'

I know I'm feeling low today, I'm depressed, stressed, tensed and down for a reason, There is no denying to the fact that I've been all these things in past, and I might be these things in future too...
I make mistakes, I regret decisions, I go crazy over stuff, I act stupidly, I feel like a fool... for short few days... sometimes longer 'few days'... but they are always 'few'.
But then I outgrow them, those 'few days'...
I've been smart too, talented, adored by people, and liked by peers, I've been loved and taken care of, I've been sharp and witty, and I've been happy and content... and this have lasted more than just 'few days'

I get reminded of that song of Anya Marina,
"I'm gonna burn and shine and multiply... and when I'll do you're gonna see me in her eyes!!"

Yes... I might seem 'Miss Halfway' today... but I'll reach the end... One very fine day

It's Time to Mention!!

I miss saifai!
Well it's no big confession, I guess every alumni of UP RIMS n R (which, by the way, is UPUMS now) would be missing the once-so-dreaded-place... saifai...

It seems like yesterday (or the day before yesterday) I was roaming through the streets of saifai, driving my dugdugi (my scooty) through smooth and nowhere-else-to-be-found roads, wasn't I??

No I wasn't... It's more than a year now, a year and a month to be precise. And I am fully conscious of the fact that I'm accepting that I miss saifai...

Why I'm making it a point to state that I miss saifai, as if it was not supposed to be missed?? Yes, I wasn't supposed to miss saifai... I miss my friends and I used to feel that my friends, my batch mates, my juniors, my seniors, my teachers are the only reason, saifai was bearable... And if I'm ever gonna become nostalgic about the time period between, July 2010 and march 2016, then they would be the sole reason for that...

But I was wrong, no matter how much I hated saifai, no matter how much the things were out of place and out of administration, saifai is being missed by me...

Five and half years are long, I left home when I was 18, And that's how much I've been in my home , for 18 years, by home I mean "sarni"... Yeah my sarni... I missed it the moment I was out of there... My soul still resides there, and I still miss it... So when I started jumping from this place to that place I knew I'm not going to be at any place that longer, and I imagined I won't get attached to any place like I did to sarni... But I guess I was wrong...

I was a dependant person when I lived with parents. And in saifai, I had to deal with everything that was in-front of me, you know that feeling, when you are on your own, and you have to deal with all kinds of c&@p that life has to offer... Well that's how it was going on... I was no doubt financially supported by my father (for which I can never be enough grateful 😛) but I was pretty much on my own... And I learned so many lessons... I learned that you should not be over polite with certain people because then you'll be taken for granted by them... and that sometimes it's okay to let your emotions out in-front of your friends even if you feel doing that is stupid... I learned that you can have hell-of-fun with people but that doesn't make them your friend... And that sometimes help comes from the least expected of all the places...

And all of that, was not, always, a bad experience you know! Sometimes they were pleasant experiences too. I met bad people and I met some, very good people and above all of that I met myself... I explored myself... I guess that would be one of the biggest contributions of safai in my life...

It was a place where I knew every nook and cranny, because I needed to know, where a day off from the mess was not a panicky day, it was a day for feast... where when I was politely asked by one of my lecturer to get out of his class because I (and two of my friends) were late, I visited animal husbandry and the terrace of administrative block (where I'm pretty sure nobody has ever been to)

I roamed with my friends on the roads of saifai, which were still under construction, where I really got to do the only sport that I claim to like(I do like swimming 😁) at such affordable membership charges. Where in the morning I trained one of my senior to ride bicycle in a single day!(Nidhi mam you are talented)

I never had imagined that I would be mentioning Sheelu Bhaiya, and Sanjeev Bhaiya to my parents more than often... I never imagined that when the sun would be scorching and heat would be at its peak and I would have to live in a hostel once again, I would get reminded of the cooler that was very cheap but was very comforting... That when my mom would ask, ''do u wanna have a cup of tea?'' I would promptly ask her ''where? At Sheelu's or Chandan's?"... When my house is under-construction and there is sand and brick dust everywhere, I get reminded of the smell of that new hostel being build beside GH (girls hostel)... when I visited the NTS section of the college where I work now and saw those 1 BHK houses I got a glimpse of the past, the type B flats of faculty complex in saifai...
And whenever a stationary shopkeeper says, ''mam there is no such thing as highlighter ink'' I would say,''there is! I myself have bought it'' He would ask me again, ''in the name of god from where?''
I would answer with a sigh, ''from a shop, shukla ji's shop.... In Saifai''

I Don't Hate You... I Feel Sorry For You!!

I am not a very strict religious person but I do observe most of my religious traditions. Living in a lovely country like mine has a perk of enjoying the freedom of belief...

I love my country and I love my religion too... can't that be concomitantly true with I don't hate any other religions??
Lately I've seen a huge cry and havoc from both the sides, on social media... they have kind of made it mandatory that you either 'love your religion and hate others' or 'you don't love yours sufficiently and not hate other's'

Why to prove that you are truly following your religion you have to bring out the hatred towards other religions??

I've been seeing, a lot many activities in this regard lately but I always choose to remain silent... speaking on a topic, this sensitive, is very risky... you might be saying something and meaning something, but you will end up projecting something entirely different... (I hope this would not happen with me this time ) but something happened yesterday and I felt like I need to put my views forward too...

One of my batch mates, yesterday uploaded something on Facebook... he actually shared something already uploaded by someone else... it contained some obscene statements about prophet Mohammad (saw) which was both theologically and historically wrong... and without confirming the authenticity and truthfulness of the facts (which were not facts at all) he shared it. He did not bother this much because it was portraying a wrong image of a religion that was not his...

This batch mate of mine is a nice person... a little eccentric but a nice person. You know when you study "Medicine" for five and half years, you tend to become a little eccentric and when you already are a little eccentric it adds colours on top of that... But I don't judge people on the basis of that. in fact when I got to know that he was saving up his internship stipend and not going for coaching so that he could make his siblings go to school and study, I was moved... I started respecting him you know... And I started thinking him a responsible person... So this kind of step of his made me rethink about him....

It's not entirely his fault... the stuff he shared has also been shared by people from this side... it's always give and take in this world you know... let it be love or hatred... you can not love someone for long if your love is not been reciprocated and you can not hate someone for long if your hatred is not been reciprocated too...

I remember when cow slaughtering case (dadari) was on fire and I too was against killing of the man... even if it was (as claimed but not proved later) beef... but then I saw a video circulating with a man slaughtering a cow and saying obscene stuff... I saw it and realised that this act is no lesser than killing of a man...

Why all of a sudden eating beef has become superior to anything else in a Muslim's life? I am too a non vegetarian but I have no problem with vegans... I won't die of starvation if I won't get beef!!!

Why in a country, which feeds you, gives you shelter where you belong, you need to eat something which is prohibited...

You have problem with "not eating beef" just because it is been prohibited in another religion when there is "no compulsion of eating it" in yours... while you are ready to accept the "dowry tradition" though nothing of this sort is preached in your religion. Why not abandon this tradition too because it's not yours...

So I can not put entire blame on him (my batch mate)... Though he is not innocent, he's not guilty too... Actually I feel he's a victim of this entire mind game...

I feel when you are not strongly sure about your beliefs you need to find flaws in others... to me it seems like a defence mechanism... you need to make sure you hate other beliefs so that you can make your own brain believe that you sufficiently love yours

All those people in the past and all those in the present who took and are taking extreme steps were actually trying to satisfy this objective...

One of my best friends, is a Hindu Brahmana, one is a Vashya and another one is a Jain, and I tie Rakhi (a pious thread you tie to your brother so that it protects him and he promises to protect you. It's a Hindu festival) to a boy and they respect me for what I am. And never it came to their thoughts that I belong to a Muslim family does not follow their traditions... And I still pray five times a day and believe in my religion... I celebrate Holi and Diwali with them and I ask for forgiveness during the Shamavani week... And they celebrate Eid-ul-fitra and Eid-uz-zoha with me. They would burn firecrackers on Shab-e-baraat with me and I would put Deepaks on the boundary walls of my house in Deepawali and never it occurred to me that following their tradition or celebrating their festivals would make me lesser of a Muslim and never they felt like eating the Sewaeen (vermicelli, sweet dish we prepare on eid) cooked by my mom would make them lesser of a Hindu!!

When I introspected deeply enough I felt pity for those who need to hate me to believe they love themselves...

Single... Not yet ready to mingle !!

Being alone makes you go crazy... I mean being single... most of my school friends are either married or they are going to and most of my batch mates (college friends) are engaged, committed (not for eternity I know but still :-( ) I belong to the genre of people who are single but not ready to mingle...
Or does such genre exist in reality ??

What is love ?? what exactly is it? I don't say I never passed the phase of day-dreaming and fantasy-castle-building and all... it did happen to me but I outlived that period of my life being single and now I think I am incapable of loving ever... when I look at newlywed couples, I see them a lot  these days by the way, all I imagine is, 'is this gooey-eyes gesture and this pink blush comes to you naturally when you anticipate the upcoming wedding or you really have to be in love to be like this...'

I look at future like everyone does... but I just can't picture perfectly, the married or engaged version of myself... I see myself visiting every nooks and cranny of this world but I don't see that prince charming by my side. I do all the interesting stuff and all the jobs I've put in my bucket list but I am not sure that I share the same with some other guy in this world and I know I can not go on like this forever or at least my parents won't let me... when I realise that everything I had dreamt of and everything that I wanna be is not possible, I feel sad and that makes me go crazy...

I literally feel something going astray in my brain these days... as if I am high on something and I do weird stuff at weird times... all I need to focus right now is my studies and pg preparation (post graduation) but all that I can think of is this stupid stuff...

Why getting married is such a big thing in our society ?? why our parent's ultimate goal does not end up at making good human beings out of us but it goes beyond it and reaches to the level of making sure that we procreate and make few good human beings ourselves... Is it wrong to imagine a life without a soul mate?? I am not saying that I don't respect the holy matrimony and that I would never and ever marry... all I am saying is I am not sure of it... and I don't see myself there yet...

Reading Newspaper With My ''angle''

Heya!

I've been busy lately... no, not ''busy-for-you-only'' busy, really busy... I had my exams in December and then my cousin sister (who's by the way my friend too) was getting married and then this New Year hullabaloo, which reminds me to say ''Happy New Year'' :)

Anyways... My life has come to a junction, from here I've to choose which way I want to go... I've options but little or almost no motivation... :(

You know I started reading newspaper when I was in school... reading was fun to me from long back when I was teenager and I used to read anything that used to come by my way... I found out people boast a lot about reading newspaper so  I took the newspaper in my hand and I was like... from where should I begin?!? and then I turned it over and there it was... ''the last page''... I, then on, used to read it like that only... I'll pick newspaper paper and I'll read 1st page and then I'll jump to last page and read it from backwards on...
I don't know why I kept doing it, may be if you turn one page from the last page of newspaper it brings that comic section which I used to like :P or maybe because when I finish reading the 2nd page   (which by the way was last page in my sequence) or the 3rd page (in some newspapers) I used to get so exhausted that I wouldn't be able to read any more... it used to be filled with the editorials which I used to read with all my might... :P

I never learned how to use a newspaper... I am not saying about reading it, because I had discovered my own way of it, I mean I don't know how to utilise reading newspaper... People would always say, ''reading newspaper is so beneficial'' and ''everyone should read newspaper'' and I am not saying that I don't like reading it, I do, but I don't find it different from any other book or magazine that I read... I guess I undermine the importance of ''news'' itself instead of undermining the whole of newspaper, or may be people over-rate this whole ''newspaper-reading-habit-is-a-must'' thing...

Maybe it is because I pay much attention to the literary section of the newspaper. It's not like I don't read news at all, but I mostly read the heading and if it interests me I go for details... no doubt once in a blue moon when something related to medicine or literature comes I read it word by word and pay attention to it... sometimes I read general news if the heading is catchy... I met Malala Yousafzai there, I met Paulo Coelho there and many more... I remember that section of ''Dainik Bhasker'' where Zahida Hina's article used to publish... it was one of my favourites... the ''Ras rang'' and ''Nav rang'' supplements... I used to love them... those ''Times of India Crest editions'' they used to come once a week and they were full of pages with mesmerising articles... And off course ''The Hindu''... by far, my favourite most...

Ah!! I've been saying this to everybody and everyone and I wrote this here too... ''What's the reason we read newspaper for?'' and ''what's so great about this read-newspaper-daily thing'' and ''why a newspaper different from any other book or magazine''... I guess I discovered it myself now... A book or a magazine has it's own style and genre but newspaper has it all, it belongs to everyone... I think newspaper is like a magazine or a book that is meant for everyone and it holds things which interest everybody... you just have to dig in and find your own way out :)