For The Loving Parents of Us All!!

I Love my Father, I Love my Mother too... but I guess there's something between a girl and her father... they are more attached to each other...
We all do love our parents, It never occurred to me that these parents of mine were themselves children some times ago, and they had their own loving parents... I always thought they are and have always been 'parents'... never I had this thought that they might have been kids some times back...

One day we(me, my Mom and my Dad) were talking about my younger sister, Honey(her real name is Saobiya but we call her Honey affectionately...) How she is so sophisticated and how she always had desired to be in the best of places and best of situations... My Mom suddenly said... "She's like me, I was exact same when I was a kid..." I was thrilled to think about my Mom being a Kid... I pleaded her to tell us more... She said, "I always wanted the best... I wanted the best of shoes, the best of dress... Once on Eid every body's dresses were being made (in our culture we buy new clothes and shoes at every Eid) and the clothing material they were using was not of my choice... I refused to have my dress made by that material... every one was trying to console me... because for me they had to go and buy a different material, and our family was a huge one as you know, 'Masha-allaha' (she'd always add that afterwards... :) ) It would be a great amount of pain for just one person in such big family... so everyone tried to persuade me to change my mind and accept the material that had been already bought... but I did not move from my decision and I said, 'I want my dress to be made by different material or I won't have a dress at all'... At last everyone had to bow to my wish and I had my dress made, by my choice..." We all laughed and I teased her, "I guess you would have been a tough child to tackle, Mommy ;) ..." She laughed with us, and she said, "... and you know, once I was gone with Amma(her Mother) to wedding dinner at Sabir Mamu (One of my grandma's cousin brother) and I had worn that same dress, by mistake I spilled some Pan Peek (beetle leaf mouthfrehsner... we Indians are so fond of it that you can find it in every wedding or dinner party without mistake ;) ) over my dress... I was so terrified, I thought if Amma would see this she would scold me like hell, I started crying, and then Abba came to rescue me... he apparently knew how to get that stain off, he asked someone to bring a cup of milk, and then he wiped that stain off my dress with his own handkerchief..."
And there I saw in her eyes, that same affection, that same longing for her father that I feel for Papa... she said with heavy voice, "My Abba used to love me a lot"...

Her dad(my Grandfather) died when she used to study in 8th standard... How mature a girl becomes when she's only 13-14yrs old!?!... I can not imagine what she had had to suffer back then... but I know she had a great bond with Nana Abba(grandpa)...

Today at tea time when we were discussing about our long train tours and adventures, We had To(because of various reasons) travel a lot and alone... I was telling about how I was suffering a bout of common cold and very high fever and how I managed to reach home... she told us once, when Me and my younger sister were preparing for UG entrance exams in Kota(a place in Rajasthan) she was travelling from Kota to Sarni(the place my father was posted) and she had to split her journey at Bina junction... She had had reservation uptill Bina, but beyond that she had the ticket to travel but had no berth allotted to her, she was very sleepy and  found a vacant berth and slept on it (as it was late night and she was sleepy) she would wake up at every station thinking that the one, who's berth it was, might come and wake her up, but nobody came for a while and as she was very sleepy she fell asleep... she said... "I had a dream, Abba was there and he said, 'Nasreen, I see that you travel a lot and you suffer a lot, don't worry I am with you always, sleep well my child...' and I slept like a baby until my destined station came... nobody came to wake me up... I still feel whenever I am troubled Abba is there with me"

We kids may forget what our parents have done for us... But they keep taking care of us even when they are no more with us in this world...

MAY YOU REST IN PEACE!!

Hey!

I'm lost!!...

I am agitated to the core today...
One of my senior died of poisoning... or committed suicide... I don't know... it still is to be investigated...

 It's Strange how I had never had a single word of communication with her and now all of a sudden I thought, "how sweet she was..."

She never said a word rudely to her juniors... never shouted at any junior (we get a lot of it in college) and was always sweet to everyone... how come she died and all of us are still living?? is this the-survivor's-guilt... if it is so... I am having it very badly...

When I had not started my internship, I once saw some people coming out of the casualty of my hospital, they had lost one of their relatives, and they were crying out loud... I had felt as if someone had just dropped a stone down my gut... I was worried... soon I'll be going to get qualified and would have to work in an ambiance where almost everyday I might have to face death... what will I do... I don't want to feel like this every time I see someone pass... and one day during my internship rotatory posting a patient died in Medicine ICU... I had mentally prepared myself to see a death soon when my roster was scheduled in ICU... but you know... you quit surely are never ready for something like this...

She died in front of me... But I don't exactly know when?? We were trying to revive her... one of the PG JR's was performing CPR, but she didn't come back... may be she was long gone before we started trying... sometimes ago I had put ryles tube down her nose... and a few minutes later she was lying there lifeless... as if she never was alive... and I felt nothing... I know... this does not sound good but this is the truth... I can say, 'I felt bad' and 'I cried afterwards'... But all of that would be a lie... I was numb... numb like all those people I used to see in hospital, doing their jobs...

And then I was posted in ICU for next 15 days and I saw many deaths... And I took it all as part of me becoming a 'Doctor'...

Until today...

One of my friends sent me  newspaper cutting... there she was lying on her bed... Dead... and I felt that stone down my gut again... the difference was this time I felt it for a longer time... I've no idea about what her state would have been... and what she would have been going through... but I know it takes a lot of courage and a lot more disappointment from life to kill oneself... If it was a suicide... It would have been a very dire state for her and if it's accidental then it's even worse... I can not think and I don't even want to, about what might have happened to her in those last moments of her life...

I just know that I am still not comfortable with deaths...

May You reside in a better Place than this Mam!

That one day!!

I saw a cow 🐮 on the road, cute and dull, a jet black in colour, a big-fat-bulky cow, may be it was a bull... Yes it was a bull... standing in the middle of the road looking at nothing, just standing there staring in the limbo... And I asked it, "hey bull, what in the name of great Lord you're doing here?  Why are you standing in the middle of this road? don't you have any where to go?? Don't you have anything to do?? Don't you know, you stupid bull, that this is middle of a road?? You are standing in the middle of 'the' road... Doing nothing, nothing at all...
The bull looked at me expressionlessly and relentlessly and when I asked it again, "Hey did u just ignore me?" The bull still said nothing, did nothing. I was furious, at my wit's end... I asked one more time, "Are you paying attention at all??"
And as I was about to pass by that bull, it nodded, in an affirmative way, I knew the bull was listening it was indeed paying attention, it just was not ready to accept and as I moved ahead I saw in my rear view mirror it was still standing there not moving at all, not even a single muscle... Standing all by itself in the middle-of-that-road...
You know this all reminded me of whom?!?
You would laugh out loud... It reminded me of... 'ME'

Here I am... I know what my plans are, I know what I want in my future... There is so much to do, so much to explore and what have I accomplished??
I always reminds me, 'Oh apple-of-my-eyes! Get up get going... You have a long way to go and I nod... Just like that bull... Just nod and stay where I am... it's not like I don't pay attention, or I don't heed... I do heed, I know the scenario, and above everything I know the consequences... Still I do nothing... I say nothing... I am standing in the "middle-of-that-road"

It's Never Too Late To Start and You're Never Too Old To Begin

Hiya!!
Zoha the blogger is back, I've been busy a lot during these days and may be mostly I am busy brooding about how I ended up here doing nothing but preparing for 'PG-entrances'

Anyways...
At least I am with my Parents and that's the best part of all of this :)
You know my Mom has been asking me to help her improve her English and I had been making excuses to her like, "I, myself, am not that good at it"... and... "I can not teach as efficiently as a trained teacher would"... et-cetra et-cetra... but eventually I said Yes. Actually I was getting excited myself about it now. I gave her a small copy and "Homework" and then she started her row of excuses that she does not have enough of time to do her homework... One day I was very furious and I told her that "...you have to do it and find time because if you really want to improve you have to give time..." and while I was asleep in my room I saw her sitting on my study table doing her homework...
I feel that all we need in our life is 'a desire' ... a desire to learn, a desire to explore... what keeps us from not falling into nothingness is, "Our desires"
I am filled with happiness to see my mom trying her best to keep herself into this circle of life. Lately I've been feeling as if I've been doing nothing and after completing graduation I've become a student again, what a waste :(... But when I saw my mother trying to experiment something fresh and new and she brushed all her inhibitions aside I am filled with energy too... It's never too late to start and You're never too old to begin.

And after all these years and after being myself an adult I am surprised to see I still have so much to learn from my mother!

For the sake of new beginning!!

It's going to be three months since I've shifted to varanasi... I've been trying to pull myself to write something... Neither I jotted a single word in my diary nor here...
I remember the promise I gave to myself and my diary... ' l wouldn't leave you the way I had, during Kota days... '
Well I think I had left my diary during those days and now my diary has left me... 😔
I feel bad and worse is cause these are struggling years and I am full of thoughts and ideas... But I think what I had deduced in utter sarcasm is indeed true... I am a big lazy person... I never wanted to be so... But I've become ...
Alas, I would simply remind the lazy Zoha ... "Light comes to those who pick up the lighter"

Au revoir!!

When I came here I was different... Well I was me, myself but different... I was unhappy... Unhappy because I was not in the best of places... I used to think "five and half years... They would take ages to get over" I was happy because I got selected but I was sad cause I knew I could have done better... I could have got better...

It was almost 5 yr and eight months back...

Now it's my time to leave this dreadful place... And I feel different again...

I remember how we all came as shy timid self of us... Not all of us were like that, some were bold and brave and confident... I don't remember exactly how I was...

I started living and believing that this is the place that's going to transform my life...

'Saifai'

I still remember how we used to explore the places on our own... Going to Etawah and searching places to hang out with friends and all our girls only adventure...

And then there would exams...
We would be dying like anything to finish the syllabus one day before exam... Then when the exams used to get over all those commitments of preparing in advance for next exam used to go to dump...

And the way I used to do triply (when 3 people ride a two wheeler) and the way me and sush used to call out loud before mrigank's hostel for him... Me jain gupta and swati would spend all the night cooking and eating and chatting endlessly and swati would always say, I am going to eat only one 'gussa' (one bite only) and would end up eating everything served in front of her even after having dinner... And me and Alankrita going for long rides around paramedical college and singing songs loudly that everyone around us would stare... We were happy and we never cared... Those hours of sitting and chatting at sheelu's with rahul, Sushmita, mrigank, boss and Alankrita... And those chicken party at animal husbandry and Boss's house... And me and praveen could talk about anything from bhojpuri movies to life in America... And when amit would make that batman mask with his hands and would cutely ask us all to do so... And those D batch special postings... And so much more... I would not be able to write them all...

What were we when we came here... A bunch of students who qualified an entrance exam and see what have we become... 'The Doctors'

No matter how much we cursed this place, how much we hated the administration... We became what we are because there was a place called saifai that had had a medical college...

We came as different people and we got united here in saifai and became 'The RIMSONIANS'

Now when it's our time to leave saifai... My heart is heavy... Heavy with emotions... For my friends, my seniors, juniors and yes my college...

Yes you are gonna be missed... Bye bye saifai... Until we meet again!

Dear I Always Remember You (DIARY)

I don't want to offend you "My Page" but there is a huge difference in writing with pen and paper than typing here for the posts. I am not saying I don't enjoy doing this but the charm of writing on a page, a real one can never be replaced by updating posts here.

I remember when I used to rush to my room to my diary and write something whenever something used to come up in my mind and then I would write (or at least try to) so fast that by mistake I would skip some words cause I would have been thinking faster than I could write... 

It was fun...

I also remember reading books (well I still do read them, but nowadays pdf's have taken up a lot of space than books) it was a world of my own... When I would get indulged into a book and I did not care what's going on around me... No doubt pdf's are easier to keep carry (and cheaper 😜) and read, but the magic of having a book in your hand and reading from those fresh smelling pages can never be replicated by any electronic reading method...

I used to always carry my diary with me... Even if I am going somewhere for 2 days... I might end up not writing at all in it. But it was comforting for me to have it by my side... "What if I have a thought and I don't have my diary to write in...!! What if I need to share some experience and my diary is no where to be found in the vicinity...!!"

I was so in love with my diary and now with the advent of android phone I have these notes keeping apps that help me to write (type and save) anything, anytime and anywhere. And my diary stays at home (not always)... 

This post of mine is to say sorry to my diary... I miss you the same as you must be and I still love you 😘... Even though for sake of convenience I do not carry you very often but I still crave for writing in you... And no app or blog can replicate the joy I have in writing in you...

Post Valentine's day blues ♥

I've been constantly reminded by my friends that I am a very friendly person, and everyone (almost everyone) likes me... I am never (almost never) alone. I am always surrounded by friends and family. But there are times I feel that I don't have that one person, everyone boast about, to be their own... Only and only theirs...

I don't know what made me update this stupid entry, but I guess these are the things this blog is for anyways...

I am a happy single person... I've always been. It was and is my choice, reasons are numerous and I cannot mention them all... I never regreted it (neither I do now). But there are times when I feel lonely, I feel to be with someone... Someone I can be happy with... And sometimes I think that behind all those reasons of not getting into a relationship there is one coward person in me.

I won't say I never had a crush on anyone... As a teenager and as a normal straight girl 😜 I had my share... But I never dared to dwell in that arena of relationships. Some were friends, I had to strongly suppress my feelings for them, some were just batch mates and I avoided them too (for the unspeakable reasons) and some were just random people I don't want to talk about. Well there were moments I got carried away and instead of just talking to those people I actually did share a lot. And before I could take control of situation we were regularly talking on phones or texting on regular basis not like couples but we did not remain "only friends" either. Nothing serious had happened or I should say I never let anything serious happen ever. Every time, anyone among my crushes, would show signs that our friendship is going towards a new zone I would remind them, "stay away" "we are just friends" and "nothing more is there for you to expect from me".
I kept doing this to everyone and some times people tried to cling and sometimes they left and eventually they all had to leave. Boys do this... Well I won't blame them... If I am not letting them reach anywhere why would they walk with me... No one would...
I was hurt many times in the procedure... But I was so confident of my plans and I was so happy about not letting anyone of them get slightest bit of hint that I ever was interested...
And then came HE...
No! you stop there... It's not a story of my "Prince Charming"... Neither it ends well...
It all began with my friend Alankrita teasing me by his name, you know friends do that. She has had done this many times and every time I was capable of brushing those teasing aside... Well this was different...
He came like those "Heroes of teenager-chick-flick movies" and then began the old cycle of me getting infatuated and ignoring the person, then trying not to focus on him and eventually accepting that I like him to myself and to Alankrita... Well the cycle was supposed to continue and let me get out of it without letting him know what I feel for him and letting me continue with my routine...
But...
Destiny brought two of my very great friends in the scene (Boss and Rahul this is sarcasm 😠)... Well like all my other crushes I discussed about this one too with my friends... I would laugh and I would make fun of my own self in front of them. This time they took it very seriously...
Now thanks to Rahul and Boss... He knows. Well initially I thought it's no big deal to me but then I realized...
This is new...
I've never felt this before. Facing someone who knows I like him...

Let me tell you something... I am sapiosexual, I fall for intelligence not face. But he is steamingly handsome.
I have no idea at all why I got attracted towards him??? 😣 may be because Alankrita was already teasing me by his name or may be because he is actually a nice person... Or may be it was my destiny.

But now he knows for sure that I like him and thanks to Rahul and Boss he might as well think that I tried to propose him, (which I did not 😣) and I am that dumb girl who's mad for him 😒(I am not😥).
He knows nothing of me at all... Me the smart one, who used to act so well that no one could've ever found out what's going on in my havoic brain.
But he thinks he knows...

I know this will pass, I've gone through worse. But it's very torturing right now.

I am clinging to that saying Jain would repeat every time, "out of sight, out of mind"
I am waiting for him to get "out of my sight"... Rest would be done by time...

Shooting Star

Some days back I had started writing again... It was fun, I would write then read it and used to get that eternal satisfaction... I started studying, not to the best pace that I am capable of but better than before...
And then came results...
Praveen aptly described it... "RESULT AGAYA" (results are out) these two words are enough to ruin the happy routine you are going through..
Well... I did not prepare the whole year, I was doing my internship up to the fullest... I was enjoying and that's why I had thought I am doing what is to be done... Then why I felt bad when I could not make it through...
I don't know I crave for stuffs that I do not do and then I regret for doing something that I should not be doing... I feel I am one big confusion in the face of my own life. 😔
I've read at many places that you can wish from a shooting star, well tell me what is a shooting star?? A dying one? A travelling one? Or are really stars??
No one knows (scientists would beg to differ... But anyways)... They just ask it for whatever they want in their life and then by mere chance of probability they get what they desire...
But what if you don't know what you desire for? What if you are not sure what you would want in the end of everything...
What if I ask it I want 'this' and what if I get it and then I realize I never wanted it at all...
I prayed for the star to grant me a wish and when the wish was granted I was, like an idiot standing there with my wish in my own hands... Wishing to dump it...
Now I wish for my shooting star never to show up... 

Strangers En rout!

Hello there!
I travel a lot... Once in every two months I have to visit my home... Initially it was very tiresome, to first go to Etawah in auto and then to Agra in bus and then I had to wait for at least three or four hours at Agra Cantt. station from there to ghodadongri by train... And then papa would come to fetch me at the station...
Well taking all that pain was worth you know... Sarni was worth it,
Now it's easy... I have to get a reservation in neelanchal express and board the train from Etawah and reach banaras in only ten hours, and if some days I don't wanna waste that much time or I could not get reservation I would go to Allahabad from one of the trains and then to varanasi... It takes max 8 hours... But coming back from there is still tiresome... Trains are mostly reaching etawah at odd hours and so I have to wait till the sun is up and it's safe to travel for saifai...

I've had already enough of ''waiting'' on the platforms and waiting room before even leaving my parents house... We used to travel, though once or twice a year but it was like this only... Going from here to there on bus and then there to somewhere on train...
Anyways... In short I know how to entertain oneself when one is waiting... I do allot of stuff, I read, I listen songs and mostly I observe people around me... I imagine about what their life is all about and what they might be thinking about...
Some days back I was coming back from home by marudhar express, it was 4 am in the morning when I reached etawah and I couldn't leave station before it was dawn... So I decided, as usual, to wait in the waiting room for the sun to come up...
I saw a boy... I don't know I should be calling him boy or not... Anyways, that man or boy was sitting by my side. And I sensed that he became conscious of my presence when I came, well it's etawah, I am not a very attractive person to look at but in etawah you have little option so I must have been someone he would have stuck to pay attention to 😜.
And then he stood up and started strolling outside the waiting room and I had time to kill, I Started wondering... "what he must be like? Where he would be going? We are not related by blood or any bonds. We are two strangers together for a while till the needs and time will separate us. We are together in this moment. We were not, before this and would not be afterwards. Our paths would get separated when this moment is over. You would tread yours And I would travel mine... And everything would be forgotten, everything... Everything that we did not do, say and had...