Sometimes you seem like an illusion that my brain has designed, unreal, imaginary… how can I like someone this much, without never ever properly meeting them for more than ten minutes. I anticipated so much in the person that I would end up being with, I seem to find everything in you… is that even possible??
Jane Austen once wrote, 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more'... I talk a lot, like a lot... I've been mocked for that, been lectured about it and I've been insecure about it... but that is how I gel, I communicate... by talking, that is how I vent out, de-stress (if that's even a word), sometimes even re-energize through talking things out with friends and family... So, as I have accepted all the scars I bear I accepted this 'over-talkativeness' of mine too... to be honest I have been a bit of proud of it too sometimes... at the end of the day it has always helped me, has mended my bonds, cleared the air for me... Why should I be ashamed or feel a little less for talking more?!
But now I get tongue tied, he calls and we stay quite for longer than I ever anticipated... Jane Austen kind of makes sense... I am so awestruck by him that I have gone quiet... It's funny, my Mom worked so many ways to shut me up and a guy came into my life and he did...
I was a bit conscious in the beginning, he is an introvert and made it clear from the very beginning. I was like ok... should I go on my way? cause you know I talk a lot I need to talk a lot... what if I start annoying him or worse what if I need to talk and he is not there then I would get frustrated... But he has been positive about us and whenever I had put any concern of mine (regarding us being polar opposite) he has been really calming, I remember once he was telling me that he can not talk on phone and after a set amount of time need to stop talking, and I was like, 'Main to bohot batiyati hun, tum mujhse bohot chidhoge' (I talk a lot and this might annoy you a lot) and he said, 'Tolerable distress hai, thoda tum adjust karna thoda main karunga, kashti par ho jaegi' (it's a tolerable distress if we both adjust we might have smooth sailing)... It's things like this that make me like him more... he does not dismiss me, he appreciates me...
I remember in DH (Dissection Hall) one day one of my batch-mates came and sat on our table, and me and my friends were talking about something (it was mainly me talking about something). He sat there for few minutes and then he went like, 'Kitna bolti ho yaar tum!' (You talk so much!) and then left our table... I was annoyed as hell... First of all no one invited you to our table and second of all I was not talking to you... so if me talking to my friends was bothering you so much why did you come to our table in the first place, I did not need that shaming from him, I never liked that guy... to be honest he was not that bad but through out my UG days I always hated his guts... I don't like when people lecture you for some aspect of you that is part and parcel of your personality, I always liked talking and I would always do, I had some guilt (mainly because of my mom) about it in past when I was younger but now I have embraced it as my personality, I own it with full confidence... And he kind of appreciates it (although there are days when I feel he is annoyed by it), despite being polar opposite...
Lately I am going quite and though there are things I have to say, there are conversations going on in my head all the time (it's funny how fluent, confident and a little flirtatious I am when I talk to him in my head, and he has perfect things to say in replies) I just don't know how to word them out... I guess I get what Jane wanted to say, I have started to understand that now… we get fumbled because of our emotions so much that it becomes impossible for us to say anything to describe it… words are not enough now to express what I feel, so maybe if I liked him a little less, I might have been able to talk more...
But I want more of him, this other day, I wanted to tell him that I want to meet him, like in person, not on call, or video call (By the way we had a virtual date, I'll update you about it later) but all I ended up asking was, 'when are you getting leaves?' and later I texted that I was inquiring about his leaves because if he can get some, he might think of visiting Varanasi... I dread all the time that I am being Cheesy, he seems to be so practical about things, and I sound like an emotional fool all the time, a crazy kid, going gaga over someone... I know that is not how he sees me, but then it's also difficult to know how he actually sees me, he doesn't share much about that, though he says every now and then that he likes me, but... his gestures are opposite of that...
This other day, I felt like he was not into the conversation that we were having and I asked whether he is reading something off the browser (phone, like e-news or something). He told me he was, and then I felt so bad...
I try to disengage myself from everything around me to be able to present wholesomely with him... it is 20-30 mins of a day (if I'm lucky and he is not busy or upset) so I want them to count, but he seems to be getting rid of a duty... like he 'has' to talk to me, and doesn't 'want' to... Now when I see he has updated a status on whatsapp while talking to me or that he has forwarded some link or picture, I gather by that, that he was reading something in his phone while in the background I was blabbering about my mundane and boring day... This dishearten me...
You know I am a 'thinker' I think about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after that... I think about way long in future and then I see us, me speaking to him and telling about my 'insignificant day' and he is immersed in his phone and not paying attention... or worse I see him saying, ''Kitna bolti ho yaar tum!'' this vision gives me terror...
I appreciate that he doesn't lie to me (at least most of the time I guess), he could have simply said he was not reading news online and talking to me, I wouldn't have known... But he told me the truth despite the chances of me being angry because of it. If he would lie to me that would hurt me even more, I can go on knowing that he doesn't care about me as much as I do, but I can't accept him being disrespectful or deceitful to me... and I guess this basic thing that I observed in him from the beginning, his honesty has made me fall for him and has kept me going...
I know there would be a day we would live together, he will be more comfortable with me and I would be more comfortable with him and I will express everything that I could not yet and he would have to ask me to shut up (in a fun way and not rudely I hope)... because I would not stop and then I would be more confident in being cheesy around him, I will not feel like a fool anymore and he would not see me as a stranger... I endure this distance and these gaps in our conversations with this hope...
