Jealousy

Jealousy... a bitter taste in your mouth.

I remember clearly the first time I was jealous, it was when I was preparing for UG entrance exams. I visited home for Diwali and Golu bhaiya came home too from his college, all happy cheery and full of life... he was like that before he started preparing for UG entrance exams too, but then he became very serious. I think I understand, you stay under this immense pressure of performing, your entire life path is going to be decided by an exam... I was going through that and he already had crossed it, so yeah that was the first memory of me being envious...

It’s not possible that I would have never felt that way before, surely I would have but it’s just that was the first time I acknowledged  that I was jealous. Probably that’s what being mindful means...

There have been instances when I felt jealous of few people, I like to categorize it into, one - transforming jealousy (by the way, never had helped me into transformation, very fleeting emotion) two - constitutional jealousy 

Let me describe them... I'll talk about the constitutional one first. There are times when you get jealous of those who have better circumstances, opportunity, personality, looks... it’s there in them and you can not do anything about it, like when I used to feel jealous of Sanshriti’s family background, how her mother had helped her with anatomy and how she already had a Kick start because she had a medico family... it’s an intrinsic thing you can not change your family or transform into someone else... so it’s constitutional.

And then there are people who are performing better than you, doing good with their work and life... doing things that are in my bucket list and I’m not doing them... like when I saw Psych JRs for the first time in counselling room, talking to their patients I felt so jealous... when I see Honey beating all those who judged her for ‘not being outspoken enough’ by excelling at her work... when I see Ankit doing all these social work and helping everyone in need... all these are inspirations hidden in the shell of my shallow jealousy... should be able to transform me into better version of myself (should but rarely does)

Have I ever felt jealous of a girl/woman because she’s getting more attention of my crush/man? Yeah that too has happened, I’ll put it into constitutional category, this one time I hated Momina Mustehasan like anything... hahaha makes me laugh now really hard...

When I started talking to him I knew there would come a day when I will be jealous of girls in his life too, like before even knowing that Ex of his I started feeling Jealous of her, that NDTV reporter, all those hot girls he was talking about from his gym... but most of all I feel jealous of those juniors of his... they take up so much of his attention... I feel jealous of his boss, who’s there with him and he goes to him whenever he wants... sort of living with him... I feel envious of his co-Jrs, even the one that he hates... they get to spend so much of time with him... time... that I crave for... And I don’t know how to categorize all these kinds of jealousies now...

I believe in Rumi's idea of accepting all these feelings in your body as a guest and welcome them... live with them, learn from them... so firstly I was trying to be in denial... I'll be a cool girlfriend (am I his girlfriend? we haven't given names to each other yet), I won't be jealous of girls around him... but for how long you can deny that strong bitter taste in your mouth? I accepted one day I feel envious of these people... It doesn't mean they are bad. and now it's kind of funny that I feel good about being jealous of them... It tells me how strongly I feel for him...

I never observed tone of jealousy in him, and I have ambivalent feelings about that... I feel good that he is not a jealous person because then it would have been very difficult with me as I am a very social person with less inhibition. But at the same time I get the idea that jealousy might stem from your obsession over someone... So I know that I am obsessed with him...  but if he never gets jealous that concludes he might not be that into me... Vicious circle it is...

So lastly I would add to this (again) oxymoronic (if there is such word) experience, where I am happy that I am Jealous, and happy that he is not but also sad that he is not... Do I make any sense? I guess I left that 'fellow' far behind... 

An idiot Zaheen…

He told me one day that he finds me Zaheen (intelligent) I asked why? He said because I understand him... I know he told me this as a compliment but... I kept wondering does he understand me too? He used to ask for my opinions and sometimes used to ask me questions, but now he doesn’t listen... I used to wish he could open up to me and tell me what he is thinking about and now he is telling me things that I always wished he would but he is not listening, like he is not paying attention to what I am saying... and I can tell that very well now, it gets a little irritating at times... I know he gets occupied with thoughts, bad thoughts... and I feel like helping him with them but sometimes I need help too... I need comfort too, I want to be heard too...
I have started imagining those He and She conversations... you remember from my last episode, they again started with a happy note when I started talking with him, but now they have taken a bad turn... I sometimes cry by the end of them, I hurt myself by imagining the worst... why I do that! 
I know he also has started liking me, he might not say it but he does... but this insecurity that I have, that I’m never going to be good enough for him... it’s killing me... I think it has made me go mum now, It was easy when I felt appreciated, when I was seeing myself as someone he is falling for, someone he is desiring... why I feel now that he doesn’t like me anymore, I don’t know... he just told me, just recently that it’s a good thing that I understand him... then why?!?
This one time he asked me about my automatic thoughts, you know like every time my mind wander while studying, he asked me to write what I was thinking… I did and sent it to him, it took huge courage for me to send that to him… I felt like I was opening up to him, giving a piece of me to him, I don’t really know whether he ever really read that or not, because next time when we were on the call he did not talk about it and not after that or after that… I waited for few days and then one day I mentioned those thoughts of mine, he said he never read them… I have decided to never mention that ever to him… out of anger obviously, but out of some sort of sadness, it made me think he doesn’t care… maybe he doesn’t… oh this thought kills me so much… 
I think I feel like a diary entry to him when he ignores what I say, like he is pouring his thoughts out... but is not willing to pay attention to mine... now I don’t have anything to say anymore, because I feel he is not listening...