I know you loved me...

Dearest of all my Nani Amma,
I know you loved me, I know you had the coolest and best plans in your mind. I miss you, whenever I look at that pic of yours all I get reminded of, is your presence on that diwan... And I go down the memory lane...
I used to visit your home, the true home of yours, where you used to pet a sugga (parrot), he would not eat until you would feed him and you had had a balcony and on that balcony we kids used to perch like little birds on a giant mother-of-all tree, you were that mother-of-all tree and we are your seedlings... Without you we have no alma matter to go back to 😔.
We used to watch you nurse those decorative plants that you had planted in small gamlas (earthen pots) and we would watch you water them... Where are they gone nani amma?
I miss that house badly, where during every summer break we would visit with all our families like migratory birds do during seasons of migration and you would embrace us all. That house, where on the terrace one can see millions of kites floating and kids shouting "bhak-kate", where the chhadd (iron rods used to cover open spaces for lighting and ventilation) would scare the hell out of me when I was a toddler, where the monkeys were welcome in your room all the time, where during the summer afternoon we would drop the curtains and close the doors and switch the lights off to lay on the floor which was as cool as heaven.
And during nights we would go on terrace where you would decide who is supposed to sleep where and who is to use what sheets...
And when the dawn will break all of us will run to your room clutching sheet in one hand and pillow in other so that we would not miss our place but as soon as we would come downstairs we would see all places are already taken... Still somewhere we would accommodate and it would always be cozy... No doubt your room was personified... It had space equivalent to your heart ♥.
And those gup-shup (chit-chat) of kids in the evening and those gup-shup of grown-ups in the night... And you were always there... Everywhere.
Where is that house gone, where you used to live, where you used to reside?
I knew a grandparent's importance because I had only 'you' and I cherished every moment I spent with you and I'll cherish it all my life.
You were so proud of your kids and grandkids and why should you not. The courage you've displayed and your efforts are salutary.
I always wanted to be like you, the bold and ahead-of-her-time Nani Amma. From every ailment to every virtue I link myself to you. You being so open and so independent as a thinker, I learned so much from you and I still do. You were and would always be a source of inspiration for me and many others...
I know Nani amma you loved me and you loved us all, I want you to know that we loved you too and would keep loving you...

In the loving memory of Noor Jahan Begum... Who was everyone's "Nani Amma"

I wrote this two years back... But today I wanted to give tribute to Nani Amma on the day of her demise, I could not think of anything else... Miss you Nani Amma... 😔

So It Dawned...

I've been posted to Medicine ICU from this month for 15 days and today when I went there I felt like an idiot initially... Well you gotta feel that in every posting for initial days.

Anyways I was posted with Dr Tony and Dr Aijaz (they are JR 2 and JR 1 respectively)

They are good I mean they did not make fun of me when I was fumbling in doing anything... Well I did not fumble actually, I just heard 'check bladder' once when Dr Aijaz was asking me to 'check planter'.

I know that's funny... He did give a guffaw too.

Then when I became a little acquainted to the environment and comfortable with ICU Dr Tony asked me to put ryle's tube in a patient on bed no 9. I did and then we (me and another intern) started to take every patient's BP and Pulse that patient on bed 9 went in asystole and the paramedic students called Dr Tony he performed CPR and intubated her. But couldn't revive her...

It was my first loss... Not mine actually...but I haven't seen anyone die before... Yes it's astounding that I've been posted as intern for 6 months and till now not a single patient died in front of me... When my friends used to tell me that they saw a patient die today I was like... 'How does it feel like?'

But you know what they say... You can not realise until you feel it yourself. 

She was lying there... Dead as a log... Just few minutes ago I was putting ryle's tube in her she was alive and then she was dead... She died right in front of me... I looked in her eyes and her pupils were dilated and Dr Tony asked the wardboy to call her relatives... I couldn't stay there cause I felt really awkward. I couldn't understand what and how would I answer any question if they would ask... What would I say... So I left and started recording BP and Pulse of other patients... 

What was strange that I had so apprehensions about what would I feel when I would see someone die... And it happened so quickly that I could not even register that she's dead. I don't know how I felt... And now I know why anyone can't describe how they feel when someone passes in hospital... They don't know how they feel...

The Perfect Tree

In a certain village of a certain country there was an orchard... Many mango trees were there, have you seen them growing together?!?
They send a sense of happiness around them... They have these perfect leaves and these perfect barks and they give these perfect shades when sunlight fall over them...
There was this tree... They called it the perfect one... It was not too tall not too short... Perfectly symmetrical and perfectly bloomed... Dare a single leaf would grow out of that tree's way... The bark's girth was proportionate to the circumference of the whole tree...
People would look at tha tree and hold their breath and say, "Ah! the perfect tree"
And when the season change and little flowers bloom and they spread the colour of dew all over that tree... But still there would be no breech in its symmetry... That tree knew how to look perfect. And when those flowers mature into mangoes, whole of the tree would look like a giant lamp post holding many bulbs... Bright green first and then yellow... And never does the beauty of the tree would be undone... People would stare at that tree and say, "That's a perfect tree"

There was another tree in the same orchard. Nobody looked at it, though it was not all sculpted by God in a perfect shape, but it was one with all the qualities we seek in a mango tree.
It was tall but a few branches were grown here and there with no symmetry, kids would climb over that tree through those branches and reach the top of the tree without any difficulty... The mangoes it offers were sweetest of all, though when they would bloom the branches would bend low because of its weight,
It's bark was irregularly grown... Thick at some places and thin at some, infact there was a gaping hole at the base, nobody cared about it cause you know the mangoes were great, kids use that to hide when they play hide and seek.
That tree also offered the best it could... A thick shade, delicious mangoes and a place for kids to play...
Nobody looked at it...
Nobody payed attention to it...
Nobody called it perfect...

26 Aug

Heya!
I am a very gentle person, I am usually incapable of shouting at people, when I see my seniors shouting at patients and their attendants I feel bad... Sometimes in labour room(while I was posted in obs and gyne) when I used to explain patient or their attendants anything in detail my JR's would say,"why are you waiting so much of time, they would keep asking if you would keep explaining." but I used to personally feel that patients should be explained everything so that they can weight their options...
But you know that phenomenon of how you learn while you do... I realized some of the lot deserve a little tough talk... But you can not be rude to people all of a sudden, the transition took place slowly in me... Now I tell patients what they required to know... I don't cry afterwards when I see a very sick or poor patient (once I could not control my tears in front of the patient who was polio affected and was in labour... But that's another story) and I've improved my explaning skills, which includes telling patients enough that they can get there job done and not fuss much.
Today a patient came and told me that he's been vomiting since morning and no other associated complaints, Senior Medical officer was standing there and he asked me to write his prescription. As patient was not having any Vomiting at that time sir thought of giving him a pantop shot and refer to medicine.
I wrote it down and gave him his emergency opd slip...
After a while the patient came with a guy who was enquiring about why did I gave him pantop, I was like ''why do u care?" and he just bored me with illogical questions and comments stating that the patient suffered a bleb at the site of injection... "I said you go and talk to SMO"
He went there and exaggerated the bleb into swelling... I opposed then he said it was a large swelling but now it has reduced, I lost my composure and said, "isn't it fine that it is reduced in size now??" a little frustrated...
When the guy was gone... My JR told me... He's your senior in pathology department...
I was taken aback for a while... Then SMO sir cooled me down saying "he's ainwai person"
All I had said meant that, reduced swelling is a good sign and should not make them worry. But I guess my attitude ruined it all...
He's not too much of important person... But there can be... First of all I should not have been saying stuff when he was talking our SMO, second I should've explained him why I had written that prescription...
Anyways... Days done and gone... See what happens next...😜

23 aug: story of a boy - part 4'

It's been said that if you let your heart decide your path, you would never lack will power... That seemed untrue to that boy 👦 he was unsure whether he has lost it or he never had it... That thrill of exploring and expanding... But now he had another mission, he wanted to discover that kid of his dreams... Whenever he would see him he would feel as if this kid is answer of all of his questions... But how to sail if you do not have a compass and how to trek when you do not have a map... All he knew was about his destination...
Often he would wake up with a start in a new terrain with foreign people he would ask himself, "where am I?" and no answer could come forward... His restlessness grew more and more and he ended up depressed with a feeling that he would never discover who the boy is...
Hopelessly he traveled back to home 🏡... Like a kid after losing a game...
He had glimpse of knowledge on his face but no sign of content. With a lot of hullabaloo he reached to the threshold of his house, looked around recalling the long old days he had spent in imagining how his travels around the world would be... He looked at the fence where he would sit with his friends and talk endlessly about his passion... He saw the old playground where he had kicked his last breath out while playing games with his friends... And there was this lake... He reached there to wet his hands with the water and the memories it had enclosed... There he was standing by the lake looking at his reflection and a voice he heard
You need not to seek answers... You have to discover it...
And in tha moment he knew...
'He is that KID'
All those years he spent wondering what world outside would be?... What pleasure it beholds?...
All he craved was for the thrill and passion...
But his soul and his mind resided where he started from...
And in that moment, at that second, he was thrilled beyond his imagination...
He was content now 😇

22 aug: 'story of a boy - part 3'

Remember that boy 👦?... The boy who wanted to live that all and do that all...
He did do that all... Well alot was still remaining to be done but that feeling of I-know-it's-not-what-I-desire was already setting inside him... He would go to new places, meet new people, make new friends and would do all those new stuff for the sake of doing... He would ask himself same question every night... "where am I headed to?" and the answer was reverberating in his head... The endless silence... He began to question his conquest... The need of doing what he was doing. All he explored and all that he had gone through seemed to be vain and pointless... One day in his dreams he saw a kid... Playing in a dirty ground among kids who were just like each other... In background he could see a pond covered by moss... And he woke up.
He had a strange sensation within him as if something new has happened... He felt filled with new energy and enthusiasm... He could not comprehend it but he just new that it was something good...
Everywhere he went afterwards the monotony of the voyage was, no doubt, accompanied but every now and then he would dream about that kid sometimes strolling by a road, sometimes playing with friends, sometimes just staring back deep in his own eyes...
He was confused as well as mesmerized by this kid... All he wanted now was to meet this child of his dreams. But life doesn't unfold the way we want it to... But yes it would one day... That was his hope... And ours too...

21st aug

My internship has begun and I am posted in emergency department for 15 days
Today when I went for my evening posting it appeared to be a usual boring casualty day... I spent some time in MO room, filled some forms, made some entries, took some BP's
And then came a patient... a teenager boy... No more than 13 years age... A constable was with him and he told us that the boy is a sports college student (swimming) and he has been sexualy abused by his coach...
I was taken aback... I looked at him and I got reminded of the time when the same boy had come to ortho ward when he had pain in his fingers... He was a cheerful champ..
Infact the consultant at ortho OPD had a little chit chat about his school and schedule...
My senior asked me to take his BP and Pulse I asked him to accompany me to another ward where we had a BP instrument placed ... I asked him ''How's your finger?" ... He looked at me ... I said, "you came to ortho OPD, the 'haddi vibhaag"... He said, "yes, it's fine now" I asked "have you come alone or some batchmate is with you?" he replied "no I am alone"
Then while his MLC was being made by my seniors, they asked about the time and nature of assault. He told them it was six days back. Then he was asked why he waited so long, He replied ''my coach told me that he would get me expelled if I would tell this to anyone so I Went back home." when sir asked that had he told his parents about this ... He said "I have no parents"
I thought ...oh this poor kid... He hoped of comming to this place(which is considered a big hub of sports) and try hard to be a good sports person... But this world of vultures and dogs... They would eat every bit of hope that a person can hold to to go on...
I was disgusted

Drive carefully... Exams ahead...

Hey... My resolution of writing daily went to trash... 😉
Anyways... Here I am trying to write something... Though my exams are scheduled from 10th of this month, I really don't feel like studying... I was reading about diabetes mellitus... Though I already had read that text still I feel like I am holding this book for 1st time... That's how it works... You leave your passion it leaves you... See, how I am craving to write still no luck...
You know I observed a fact of general human nature... We talk about stuff as if we know it ... As if it's in our vein... But in reality we know nothing about it.
.. Not always it's true but it's true most of the time... I confess I do it... I would tell people about ghost and Ginn stories as if those events have happened with me practically... In reality I haven't experienced any paranormal activity ever in my entire lifetime... Similarly my mom or my aunt would prescribe anyone a diet plan according to their own diagnosis as if they have spent their entire life studying medical science... While m still trying to come upon a diagnosis... Me the upcoming Doc.
That's funny sometimes and sometimes it's frustrating...
Whatever this is how people behave... Or I should say have learned to behave.
Why I expect to change it all of a sudden... While I know it would take ages for me myself to change that in me... And I call myself flexible 😏