"Time and Passion"

I remember when I had loads and loads of time, plenty and surplus. I had no idea what to do with it...

Now I want to do so much of stuff and I need to do so much of stuff and I know how to do it but all that I don't have is "time"...

It's running, running like some predator is behind it, trying to catch it. Running like some last train to final destination is going to leave the platform, running like the only thing it has ever known is running... actually it has... or, may be not... no doubt time knows to go forward, it always has known it, (I don't have a sound knowledge of time and space continuum though) but sometimes it runs, and sometimes it stays... no not stays... flows, like a river, already reached the ocean just the formality of touching those salty water, is left...

Time is strange and defiant... very defiant... never would let us have the pleasure of being in it... Do you understand? 'Being in Time'...

I admired my father always... for being so sincere and so punctual, I used to think that, punctuality is the source of success, "being in time" is the root cause of every big achievement...

But my concept was challenged and got changed... one day I was on the stage, in the auditorium of UPRIMS N R (now UPUMS) in front of "the jury" during RIMS IDOL session, and they asked me, what is most important? Punctuality, Sincerity or Dedication?... I fumbled first, and as I was used to have all my faith in "punctuality" I answered wrong... But what I gained from that wrong answer is a lesson... 

Dedication is the most valuable asset among the three, sincerity and punctuality comes with it...

So I'm not dedicated to my goal!! But then I'm never punctual, I've never been punctual... Am I not dedicated to anything?? I think it can be a possibility, I've seen people with no passion, nothing is there for them to give their whole hearted attention to... Am I that person too?? I can't be... 

Why I ended up here? How did this happen that I still haven't discovered my passion??

Would I ever? I hope I would... 

Acomodador

It's that feeling... The thought of becoming something ordinary and simple... The fear of not being able to be more than just average...

You're having these thoughts, you force them into your unconscious... But somehow they manage to surface up to your conscious... They haunt you... Haunt you until you get paralysed... Not able to move at all... Not able to do anything... Anything that can help you rise above average...

A thought that bring you down to the very point, you've started from... A thought that proves itself...

I want it that way!!

You are my fire 

The one desire

Believe when I say

I want it that way...

Do you remember these lyrics from the Backstreet Boys song, 'I want it that way'?
I was scrolling through the old songs and all of a sudden I came across the album 'Backstreet Boys'
And then while going through their songs I came across this one...

I still remember very vividly, that I fell in love with this song the moment I listened to it... It was love at first sight or first hearing  

I couldn't comprehend it then, how old was I? Nine or ten!?
I don't remember exactly, all I know when that tune used to play I used to get those goose bumps... ting-ti-ting-ti-tidi-ding-ding...
Ah! It was mesmerising...

They used to play it on MTV only, and that channel was a taboo in our society, so I hadn't had a constant access to the song back then, I would change the channel while watching something on TV during they play commercials and would stroll by MTV just to check whether they are playing it or not... Those days!! 

Then we bought our new computer, there was this parody song of 'I want it that way', in one of the flash players... I knew the lyrics were distorted and it was not the same song but I still would play it in full volume and my sisters would all go like, ''there's another bout of B boy's attack''

I had no idea of what the lyrics meant and it was a mysterious song to me, I tried asking people, but no one could explain properly. Internet was not that trending thing back then and if you had a doubt about something you couldn't just pick your phone up and google it...
Then with the advent of internet I had access to the song, I downloaded it later and then played it for like zillion times... I tried looking up for the lyrics and found them, but my immaturity hindered me from understanding the deeper meaning of that song, anyway I just played and played it... Until I got over it and it stayed in one of the corners of D Drive of our computer...

Today while I played this song again I had all those goose bumps back... It was like opening an old email from past which has attachments with it, the song opened up like an old email, and I got the access to those memories attached to the song...

It made me go back to 90's when I was young (I'm still , I was younger back then!) I got reminded of my house in Sarni!! all those memories I had built there, I used to listen to this song while playing 'scientists-scientists' in my garden and then when I was entering my teenage, I used to listen to it while focusing on my targets in studies and I somehow used to connect with it while I was having my first crushes around the place... The thrill I used to get whenever I listened to this song, was amazing, something that I cannot explain...

When I did listen to this song today! I rushed back through the Memory Lane in past and realised I always somehow associated with the lyrics though never understood them...

But we are two worlds apart

Can't reach to your heart

When you say

I want it that way

Tell me why

Ain't nothing but a heartache 

Tell me why

Ain't nothing but a mistake 

Tell me why

I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way

I would smile with motivation sometimes and I would cry with sadness listening to this song but I had no notion what it really wanted to convey... Now I do!!
After all these years I realised it's my mood that this song depicts... My aim, ambition and future...
It's about what I aspire to become, about people, friends, family and my infatuations that I've come across, how I was connected to them then and how we've fallen apart sometimes, how I wanted everything "that way" then,
"my way"

Now I can see that we've fallen apart 

From the way that it used to be yeah

No matter the distance 

I want you to know 

That deep down inside of me...

How simple it was... All these years I've been living it, romanticising the song and never realised 

I'm surely going to listen to it for another zillion times and "I want it that way now"!!

https://youtu.be/4fndeDfaWCg