If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more...

Sometimes you seem like an illusion that my brain has designed, unreal, imaginary… how can I like someone this much, without never ever properly meeting them for more than ten minutes. I anticipated so much in the person that I would end up being with, I seem to find everything in you… is that even possible??

Jane Austen once wrote, 'If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more'... I talk a lot, like a lot... I've been mocked for that, been lectured about it and I've been insecure about it... but that is how I gel, I communicate... by talking, that is how I vent out, de-stress (if that's even a word), sometimes even re-energize through talking things out with friends and family... So, as I have accepted all the scars I bear I accepted this 'over-talkativeness' of mine too... to be honest I have been a bit of proud of it too sometimes... at the end of the day it has always helped me, has mended my bonds, cleared the air for me... Why should I be ashamed or feel a little less for talking more?!

But now I get tongue tied, he calls and we stay quite for longer than I ever anticipated... Jane Austen kind of makes sense... I am so awestruck by him that I have gone quiet... It's funny, my Mom worked so many ways to shut me up and a guy came into my life and he did...

I was a bit conscious in the beginning, he is an introvert and made it clear from the very beginning. I was like ok... should I go on my way? cause you know I talk a lot I need to talk a lot... what if I start annoying him or worse what if I need to talk and he is not there then I would get frustrated... But he has been positive about us and whenever I had put any concern of mine (regarding us being polar opposite) he has been really calming, I remember once he was telling me that he can not talk on phone and after a set amount of time need to stop talking, and I was like, 'Main to bohot batiyati hun, tum mujhse bohot chidhoge' (I talk a lot and this might annoy you a lot) and he said, 'Tolerable distress hai, thoda tum adjust karna thoda main karunga, kashti par ho jaegi' (it's a tolerable distress if we both adjust we might have smooth sailing)... It's things like this that make me like him more... he does not dismiss me, he appreciates me... 

I remember in DH (Dissection Hall) one day one of my batch-mates came and sat on our table, and me and my friends were talking about something (it was mainly me talking about something). He sat there for few minutes and then he went like, 'Kitna bolti ho yaar tum!' (You talk so much!) and then left our table... I was annoyed as hell... First of all no one invited you to our table and second of all I was not talking to you... so if me talking to my friends was bothering you so much why did you come to our table in the first place, I did not need that shaming from him, I never liked that guy... to be honest he was not that bad but through out my UG days I always hated his guts... I don't like when people lecture you for some aspect of you that is part and parcel of your personality, I always liked talking and I would always do, I had some guilt (mainly because of my mom) about it in past when I was younger but now I have embraced it as my personality, I own it with full confidence... And he kind of appreciates it (although there are days when I feel he is annoyed by it), despite being polar opposite...

Lately I am going quite and though there are things I have to say, there are conversations going on in my head all the time (it's funny how fluent, confident and a little flirtatious I am when I talk to him in my head, and he has perfect things to say in replies) I just don't know how to word them out... I guess I get what Jane wanted to say, I have started to understand that now… we get fumbled because of our emotions so much that it becomes impossible for us to say anything to describe it… words are not enough now to express what I feel, so maybe if I liked him a little less, I might have been able to talk more...

But I want more of him, this other day, I wanted to tell him that I want to meet him, like in person, not on call, or video call (By the way we had a virtual date, I'll update you about it later) but all I ended up asking was, 'when are you getting leaves?' and later I texted that I was inquiring about his leaves because if he can get some, he might think of visiting Varanasi... I dread all the time that I am being Cheesy, he seems to be so practical about things, and I sound like an emotional fool all the time, a crazy kid, going gaga over someone... I know that is not how he sees me, but then it's also difficult to know how he actually sees me, he doesn't share much about that, though he says every now and then that he likes me, but... his gestures are opposite of that...

This other day, I felt like he was not into the conversation that we were having and I asked whether he is reading something off the browser (phone, like e-news or something). He told me he was, and then I felt so bad...
I try to disengage myself from everything around me to be able to present wholesomely with him... it is 20-30 mins of a day (if I'm lucky and he is not busy or upset) so I want them to count, but he seems to be getting rid of a duty... like he 'has' to talk to me, and doesn't 'want' to... Now when I see he has updated a status on whatsapp while talking to me or that he has forwarded some link or picture, I gather by that, that he was reading something in his phone while in the background I was blabbering about my mundane and boring day... This dishearten me...
You know I am a 'thinker' I think about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after that... I think about way long in future and then I see us, me speaking to him and telling about my 'insignificant day' and he is immersed in his phone and not paying attention... or worse I see him saying, ''Kitna bolti ho yaar tum!'' this vision gives me terror...

 I appreciate that he doesn't lie to me (at least most of the time I guess), he could have simply said he was not reading news online and talking to me, I wouldn't have known... But he told me the truth despite the chances of me being angry because of it. If he would lie to me that would hurt me even more, I can go on knowing that he doesn't care about me as much as I do, but I can't accept him being disrespectful or deceitful to me... and I guess this basic thing that I observed in him from the beginning, his honesty has made me fall for him and has kept me going...

I know there would be a day we would live together, he will be more comfortable with me and I would be more comfortable with him and I will express everything that I could not yet and he would have to ask me to shut up (in a fun way and not rudely I hope)... because I would not stop and then I would be more confident in being cheesy around him, I will not feel like a fool anymore and he would not see me as a stranger... I endure this distance and these gaps in our conversations with this hope...

Jealousy

Jealousy... a bitter taste in your mouth.

I remember clearly the first time I was jealous, it was when I was preparing for UG entrance exams. I visited home for Diwali and Golu bhaiya came home too from his college, all happy cheery and full of life... he was like that before he started preparing for UG entrance exams too, but then he became very serious. I think I understand, you stay under this immense pressure of performing, your entire life path is going to be decided by an exam... I was going through that and he already had crossed it, so yeah that was the first memory of me being envious...

It’s not possible that I would have never felt that way before, surely I would have but it’s just that was the first time I acknowledged  that I was jealous. Probably that’s what being mindful means...

There have been instances when I felt jealous of few people, I like to categorize it into, one - transforming jealousy (by the way, never had helped me into transformation, very fleeting emotion) two - constitutional jealousy 

Let me describe them... I'll talk about the constitutional one first. There are times when you get jealous of those who have better circumstances, opportunity, personality, looks... it’s there in them and you can not do anything about it, like when I used to feel jealous of Sanshriti’s family background, how her mother had helped her with anatomy and how she already had a Kick start because she had a medico family... it’s an intrinsic thing you can not change your family or transform into someone else... so it’s constitutional.

And then there are people who are performing better than you, doing good with their work and life... doing things that are in my bucket list and I’m not doing them... like when I saw Psych JRs for the first time in counselling room, talking to their patients I felt so jealous... when I see Honey beating all those who judged her for ‘not being outspoken enough’ by excelling at her work... when I see Ankit doing all these social work and helping everyone in need... all these are inspirations hidden in the shell of my shallow jealousy... should be able to transform me into better version of myself (should but rarely does)

Have I ever felt jealous of a girl/woman because she’s getting more attention of my crush/man? Yeah that too has happened, I’ll put it into constitutional category, this one time I hated Momina Mustehasan like anything... hahaha makes me laugh now really hard...

When I started talking to him I knew there would come a day when I will be jealous of girls in his life too, like before even knowing that Ex of his I started feeling Jealous of her, that NDTV reporter, all those hot girls he was talking about from his gym... but most of all I feel jealous of those juniors of his... they take up so much of his attention... I feel jealous of his boss, who’s there with him and he goes to him whenever he wants... sort of living with him... I feel envious of his co-Jrs, even the one that he hates... they get to spend so much of time with him... time... that I crave for... And I don’t know how to categorize all these kinds of jealousies now...

I believe in Rumi's idea of accepting all these feelings in your body as a guest and welcome them... live with them, learn from them... so firstly I was trying to be in denial... I'll be a cool girlfriend (am I his girlfriend? we haven't given names to each other yet), I won't be jealous of girls around him... but for how long you can deny that strong bitter taste in your mouth? I accepted one day I feel envious of these people... It doesn't mean they are bad. and now it's kind of funny that I feel good about being jealous of them... It tells me how strongly I feel for him...

I never observed tone of jealousy in him, and I have ambivalent feelings about that... I feel good that he is not a jealous person because then it would have been very difficult with me as I am a very social person with less inhibition. But at the same time I get the idea that jealousy might stem from your obsession over someone... So I know that I am obsessed with him...  but if he never gets jealous that concludes he might not be that into me... Vicious circle it is...

So lastly I would add to this (again) oxymoronic (if there is such word) experience, where I am happy that I am Jealous, and happy that he is not but also sad that he is not... Do I make any sense? I guess I left that 'fellow' far behind... 

An idiot Zaheen…

He told me one day that he finds me Zaheen (intelligent) I asked why? He said because I understand him... I know he told me this as a compliment but... I kept wondering does he understand me too? He used to ask for my opinions and sometimes used to ask me questions, but now he doesn’t listen... I used to wish he could open up to me and tell me what he is thinking about and now he is telling me things that I always wished he would but he is not listening, like he is not paying attention to what I am saying... and I can tell that very well now, it gets a little irritating at times... I know he gets occupied with thoughts, bad thoughts... and I feel like helping him with them but sometimes I need help too... I need comfort too, I want to be heard too...
I have started imagining those He and She conversations... you remember from my last episode, they again started with a happy note when I started talking with him, but now they have taken a bad turn... I sometimes cry by the end of them, I hurt myself by imagining the worst... why I do that! 
I know he also has started liking me, he might not say it but he does... but this insecurity that I have, that I’m never going to be good enough for him... it’s killing me... I think it has made me go mum now, It was easy when I felt appreciated, when I was seeing myself as someone he is falling for, someone he is desiring... why I feel now that he doesn’t like me anymore, I don’t know... he just told me, just recently that it’s a good thing that I understand him... then why?!?
This one time he asked me about my automatic thoughts, you know like every time my mind wander while studying, he asked me to write what I was thinking… I did and sent it to him, it took huge courage for me to send that to him… I felt like I was opening up to him, giving a piece of me to him, I don’t really know whether he ever really read that or not, because next time when we were on the call he did not talk about it and not after that or after that… I waited for few days and then one day I mentioned those thoughts of mine, he said he never read them… I have decided to never mention that ever to him… out of anger obviously, but out of some sort of sadness, it made me think he doesn’t care… maybe he doesn’t… oh this thought kills me so much… 
I think I feel like a diary entry to him when he ignores what I say, like he is pouring his thoughts out... but is not willing to pay attention to mine... now I don’t have anything to say anymore, because I feel he is not listening...

Embarrassment

One day late at night, it was a routine with us, me and Akanksha, we would go out and have tea, sometimes if hungry would have partha or maggi, whatever was available. That shop was out on a main road which was along the boundary of AIIMS (All India Institute of Medical Sciences) and the shop wala bhaiya was a gentle man with a polite attitude, they did not have a shop per se, it was an outlet in front of another shop which used to stay closed in the late hours of night when our snacks wala outlet was open for us.

So me and Akanksha strolled towards the shop, that night and we were chatting about what we want for snacking, the final consensus was to have aloo paratha, so I turned towards one of the tawas, and there was a guy standing behind it, The helium bulb was shining right into my eyes, I couldn't see who that fellow was, even if I would have seen his face I would have not recognized him because those cooks used to get changed often, so I asked, "Bhaiya do paratha ban jaega kya?" (Can we have two Parathas) That fellow moved away from tawa and out of the light too and then all of a sudden started saying, "Do I look like a cook to you?"... I had a good look at him and saw he is some guy, to be honest not very gentlemanly clad or anything but just someone in sleeveless T-shirt and some lower, anyone could've made that mistake with him under the light and standing behind the stove and tawa. Still my apologetic mode got switched on, and I said sorry in a very high tone of embarrassment. By that time the original cook came in front and started saying "no problem mam tell me what you want?" and before I could repeat my order that fellow again started saying something with his friends, "Kamaal hai yaar, cook samjh liya" (Funny people they thought I am a cook) and then his friend started saying, "AIIMS ke doctor ko cook samjh liya, kaise log hain" (They couldn't differentiate between the cook and a Doctor of AIIMS)... now at this point I got a little angry, first of all it was an honest mistake, he was standing right behind the tawa and even if I called him cook, why it is that big a deal? Is that cook, that you don't want to be mistaken for, is not earning money through hard-work or he's not doing his best at his job, second what is the point of saying those things out loud, how bad it might have sounded to that cook... trying to  make me feel embarrassed some more they actually might have hurt that poor cook... There were times when in clinics and hospital wards patients and their attendants used to call me 'sister' (a word we use to address the nurses) some of my friends would stand up for me, sometimes my juniors and tell them that I am a doctor and not the nurse, but I never used to correct them, when I was in my late teens and early twenties kids used to call me 'auntie' all the time, can't blame them, I had grown to become a fat lady, easy to be mistaken for a woman in her 30's... My point is, people do mistake and they get embarrassed by that too, why make someone feel embarrassed for an honest mistake... 

But then I realized actually big Dr sahab was himself embarrassed and by saying these things he was getting over the humiliation he had undergone...

Never to be published... so I thought

I wrote this 3 years back, I wasn't in a good place back then, I realized recently that I was lonely and was in need of some solace... I always have justified being single in so many different ways, I always have claimed to be the one in not need of any better half, but at last I fell for the trap... ha ha ha... If things go smooth I might update my story soon... till then let's recap this older version of me!

2018

I've been writing a series of short conversations,  fictional off course, just to record or I should say pen down the thoughts that I come across while I day dream...
You know I day dream when I'm floating through the tedious and monotonous jobs that I have to go through every single day...
I've christened it "The conversations that we'll never have"

I day dream about future, the imaginary ones. The one that would never happen... The non existent present too, and sometimes I recap the past, re-analyse the old conversations...

It's basically "He" and "she" conversations, when two people talk about general stuff, when they are into each other and when they fall for each other... Sometimes they fight, sometimes they adjust to each other's thoughts, their perspective of life...

Initially it was all cheery and happy as it does in every budding relationship but soon it transformed into the conversations you would use to break up with someone. The fights made me sad though they were not real and at some point I felt like I've become "SHE" and I'm falling for "HE"

You must have observed I never use the word "Love" I think it's a misnomer...

I've never come in terms with the definition of "Love"... I think it is non existent... I believe in infatuation but I think "Love" is an umbrella term to engulf all the feelings that are not well understood by us...

I was very young when I had my first crush... I've never said anything to anyone about him. It's forbidden you know, to talk about your crush! The so called first "Love"
I think I was in fifth grade and ten years old precisely and I had no idea what those stupid emotions were, I hated boys so much,  they were so annoying and so bossy! And they would stink and their games were all rough... I had no male siblings so I wasn't very comfortable with boys since the very beginning... I've been friends with them and later I realized not all of them are bad  but as a young kid I used to wonder what on earth is so pleasing about these men that such pretty girls marry them...
So you might imagine how strange it was for me to have all those feelings for a boy, I'm sure brought about by the hormones blooming during that phase of my life...
In the beginning I fought with them. Told myself I don't have them... Denial was my defense but the grip was strong... It held me and made me confess...
I remember clearly the day... He was un-boarding the bus (school bus) at his bus stop and I peeked through the window... And I told myself, 'I can not fight anymore... I have to accept... I like him!'
Did you notice that, I did not say, 'I love him!' I said, 'I like him'... I was only ten and I knew I did not love him...

The word is a mystery to me it always has been... As a child I had this notion that when you love someone you do not get over with it... You would always love the person... Like in case of our crushes, with time we forget them, we love them for the moment and then we get over them...
How it can be love?  Everyone I suppose when falls for a person for the first time in their life, their first "love", they have this strong belief that this is it, they are going to love him or her their entire lives.
But it seldom happens in real life and you know when I had the outburst of these emotions for the very  first time, I guess somehow I knew this is not permanent, I never took it as my "first Love"... Though I had confessed it to myself, I never gathered the courage to approach him, anyway, I never took it as very necessary to let "them" know, so I never had confessed to any of them 

Maybe I should have had accepted him as my first love ... I don't have a first love or next or any other kind of love story at all...
My friend once said mockingly, this is because I'm a coward inside, I'm not courageous enough to accept the love life has offered...

Maybe

I have love in my life,  I love my family, my friends my siblings... And that's the only unconditional love I've come across in my life... I've never felt that unconditional love for anyone else... Yet...

So I deduced when we fall for someone it's not because we love them... It's not because it's love at first sight... It's because we like a particular feature of the person, it depends on what kind of a personality you are, some people get attracted to beauty, some people get attracted to intelligence and others feel curious about the mystery of the person... Then we associate with them in one way or another... All hormones play their role and you end up liking them... And the feelings in backdrop make you feel you are falling in love...
It's an addiction... You want the person's company, you want to talk to them because, more you talk more you know something new about them and all that new knowledge help you to associate yourself with them... Sometimes we find something new and something exciting that we've never done ourselves... A new hobby, a new passion and sometimes even when we haven't been a great fan of that hobby ourselves we still pursue it... Just to know the person more just to create something that can associate us more with the person... And that's how they affect us...  I don't like this part... It sometimes distorts our personalities... I've seen my friends changing all together because they've been in influence of someone they think they "love"
I think love is a semi-voluntary action (I seriously doubt that such a word exists )...
I know that we are driven by the hormones and liking someone is not at all voluntary, but our actions indeed are semi-voluntary... Why I added semi?
Well we are no doubt under a strong influence of our emotions and hormones bring them high time, the extent up-to which "semi" word is justifiable does depend on our personalty. If you are sane enough (please don't get offended, infatuations make us go crazy) and strong enough, you can take actions voluntary. But if you are not strict enough you might believe that "semi" can be replaced by "in-"!

Don't make a judgment that I'm disrespecting the people who can not stay in semi-voluntary phase, the pressure is high time, and I'm not saying that Prima facie, I know, I've been there and at times nearly lost myself... It's horrible you know, to feel like that, your "Id" is forcing you towards your edge and "Superego" is all, "don't you dare say that to him" and "Ego" is all blind and deaf about "Superego" and listens to Id all the time (Thank you Freud for such a wonderful theory)... But I'm thankful rather than proud, that I collected myself back together in those moments and listen to my mighty "Superego" the savior!

And after all these years of avoiding that "love story" I think I have become incapable altogether of loving someone, I get infatuated but I never fall in love... life makes you practical and I've crossed that stage of being in Love and falling in Love... Until someone disprove it... 

The Deer

I am approaching... metered steps, hushing my boots...

It might slip... it has horns?... it’s head is big?...

Some jewels dangling?... what my price is?

Spent days and nights... of this calculated life... measured upto eternity...

To reach upto the brink of woods...

Still looks like an old dream... a Déjà vu....

Happy?... Scared?... Excited?... Bewildered?...

Guess my heart is confused... like it’s silhouette 

Heavy thumping, masked by quiet of the night...

I approached thee... it ran deep in the woods...

Luring me in...

It was dark, I couldn’t see... but there were horns, for sure

Got scared... not prepared... for those bright, shiny horns

But the glimpse of those beautiful eyes... calmed me

It won’t puncture my heart, those shiny, bright horns 

Cause it can see through those serene eyes... beautiful eyes

So should the feat proceed?... indeed...

Looking and looking forever now... somewhat like eternity 

I supposed I reached there, again

I could hear the thumping again,

But it’s not my heart this time...

It might slip again... more hushing of boots

Let’s not scare it away, let it strengthen the roots!