Hey!
I'm lost!!...
I am agitated to the core today...
One of my senior died of poisoning... or committed suicide... I don't know... it still is to be investigated...
It's Strange how I had never had a single word of communication with her and now all of a sudden I thought, "how sweet she was..."
She never said a word rudely to her juniors... never shouted at any junior (we get a lot of it in college) and was always sweet to everyone... how come she died and all of us are still living?? is this the-survivor's-guilt... if it is so... I am having it very badly...
When I had not started my internship, I once saw some people coming out of the casualty of my hospital, they had lost one of their relatives, and they were crying out loud... I had felt as if someone had just dropped a stone down my gut... I was worried... soon I'll be going to get qualified and would have to work in an ambiance where almost everyday I might have to face death... what will I do... I don't want to feel like this every time I see someone pass... and one day during my internship rotatory posting a patient died in Medicine ICU... I had mentally prepared myself to see a death soon when my roster was scheduled in ICU... but you know... you quit surely are never ready for something like this...
She died in front of me... But I don't exactly know when?? We were trying to revive her... one of the PG JR's was performing CPR, but she didn't come back... may be she was long gone before we started trying... sometimes ago I had put ryles tube down her nose... and a few minutes later she was lying there lifeless... as if she never was alive... and I felt nothing... I know... this does not sound good but this is the truth... I can say, 'I felt bad' and 'I cried afterwards'... But all of that would be a lie... I was numb... numb like all those people I used to see in hospital, doing their jobs...
And then I was posted in ICU for next 15 days and I saw many deaths... And I took it all as part of me becoming a 'Doctor'...
Until today...
One of my friends sent me newspaper cutting... there she was lying on her bed... Dead... and I felt that stone down my gut again... the difference was this time I felt it for a longer time... I've no idea about what her state would have been... and what she would have been going through... but I know it takes a lot of courage and a lot more disappointment from life to kill oneself... If it was a suicide... It would have been a very dire state for her and if it's accidental then it's even worse... I can not think and I don't even want to, about what might have happened to her in those last moments of her life...
I just know that I am still not comfortable with deaths...
May You reside in a better Place than this Mam!
I'm lost!!...
I am agitated to the core today...
One of my senior died of poisoning... or committed suicide... I don't know... it still is to be investigated...
It's Strange how I had never had a single word of communication with her and now all of a sudden I thought, "how sweet she was..."
She never said a word rudely to her juniors... never shouted at any junior (we get a lot of it in college) and was always sweet to everyone... how come she died and all of us are still living?? is this the-survivor's-guilt... if it is so... I am having it very badly...
When I had not started my internship, I once saw some people coming out of the casualty of my hospital, they had lost one of their relatives, and they were crying out loud... I had felt as if someone had just dropped a stone down my gut... I was worried... soon I'll be going to get qualified and would have to work in an ambiance where almost everyday I might have to face death... what will I do... I don't want to feel like this every time I see someone pass... and one day during my internship rotatory posting a patient died in Medicine ICU... I had mentally prepared myself to see a death soon when my roster was scheduled in ICU... but you know... you quit surely are never ready for something like this...
She died in front of me... But I don't exactly know when?? We were trying to revive her... one of the PG JR's was performing CPR, but she didn't come back... may be she was long gone before we started trying... sometimes ago I had put ryles tube down her nose... and a few minutes later she was lying there lifeless... as if she never was alive... and I felt nothing... I know... this does not sound good but this is the truth... I can say, 'I felt bad' and 'I cried afterwards'... But all of that would be a lie... I was numb... numb like all those people I used to see in hospital, doing their jobs...
And then I was posted in ICU for next 15 days and I saw many deaths... And I took it all as part of me becoming a 'Doctor'...
Until today...
One of my friends sent me newspaper cutting... there she was lying on her bed... Dead... and I felt that stone down my gut again... the difference was this time I felt it for a longer time... I've no idea about what her state would have been... and what she would have been going through... but I know it takes a lot of courage and a lot more disappointment from life to kill oneself... If it was a suicide... It would have been a very dire state for her and if it's accidental then it's even worse... I can not think and I don't even want to, about what might have happened to her in those last moments of her life...
I just know that I am still not comfortable with deaths...
May You reside in a better Place than this Mam!
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