Never to be published... so I thought

I wrote this 3 years back, I wasn't in a good place back then, I realized recently that I was lonely and was in need of some solace... I always have justified being single in so many different ways, I always have claimed to be the one in not need of any better half, but at last I fell for the trap... ha ha ha... If things go smooth I might update my story soon... till then let's recap this older version of me!

2018

I've been writing a series of short conversations,  fictional off course, just to record or I should say pen down the thoughts that I come across while I day dream...
You know I day dream when I'm floating through the tedious and monotonous jobs that I have to go through every single day...
I've christened it "The conversations that we'll never have"

I day dream about future, the imaginary ones. The one that would never happen... The non existent present too, and sometimes I recap the past, re-analyse the old conversations...

It's basically "He" and "she" conversations, when two people talk about general stuff, when they are into each other and when they fall for each other... Sometimes they fight, sometimes they adjust to each other's thoughts, their perspective of life...

Initially it was all cheery and happy as it does in every budding relationship but soon it transformed into the conversations you would use to break up with someone. The fights made me sad though they were not real and at some point I felt like I've become "SHE" and I'm falling for "HE"

You must have observed I never use the word "Love" I think it's a misnomer...

I've never come in terms with the definition of "Love"... I think it is non existent... I believe in infatuation but I think "Love" is an umbrella term to engulf all the feelings that are not well understood by us...

I was very young when I had my first crush... I've never said anything to anyone about him. It's forbidden you know, to talk about your crush! The so called first "Love"
I think I was in fifth grade and ten years old precisely and I had no idea what those stupid emotions were, I hated boys so much,  they were so annoying and so bossy! And they would stink and their games were all rough... I had no male siblings so I wasn't very comfortable with boys since the very beginning... I've been friends with them and later I realized not all of them are bad  but as a young kid I used to wonder what on earth is so pleasing about these men that such pretty girls marry them...
So you might imagine how strange it was for me to have all those feelings for a boy, I'm sure brought about by the hormones blooming during that phase of my life...
In the beginning I fought with them. Told myself I don't have them... Denial was my defense but the grip was strong... It held me and made me confess...
I remember clearly the day... He was un-boarding the bus (school bus) at his bus stop and I peeked through the window... And I told myself, 'I can not fight anymore... I have to accept... I like him!'
Did you notice that, I did not say, 'I love him!' I said, 'I like him'... I was only ten and I knew I did not love him...

The word is a mystery to me it always has been... As a child I had this notion that when you love someone you do not get over with it... You would always love the person... Like in case of our crushes, with time we forget them, we love them for the moment and then we get over them...
How it can be love?  Everyone I suppose when falls for a person for the first time in their life, their first "love", they have this strong belief that this is it, they are going to love him or her their entire lives.
But it seldom happens in real life and you know when I had the outburst of these emotions for the very  first time, I guess somehow I knew this is not permanent, I never took it as my "first Love"... Though I had confessed it to myself, I never gathered the courage to approach him, anyway, I never took it as very necessary to let "them" know, so I never had confessed to any of them 

Maybe I should have had accepted him as my first love ... I don't have a first love or next or any other kind of love story at all...
My friend once said mockingly, this is because I'm a coward inside, I'm not courageous enough to accept the love life has offered...

Maybe

I have love in my life,  I love my family, my friends my siblings... And that's the only unconditional love I've come across in my life... I've never felt that unconditional love for anyone else... Yet...

So I deduced when we fall for someone it's not because we love them... It's not because it's love at first sight... It's because we like a particular feature of the person, it depends on what kind of a personality you are, some people get attracted to beauty, some people get attracted to intelligence and others feel curious about the mystery of the person... Then we associate with them in one way or another... All hormones play their role and you end up liking them... And the feelings in backdrop make you feel you are falling in love...
It's an addiction... You want the person's company, you want to talk to them because, more you talk more you know something new about them and all that new knowledge help you to associate yourself with them... Sometimes we find something new and something exciting that we've never done ourselves... A new hobby, a new passion and sometimes even when we haven't been a great fan of that hobby ourselves we still pursue it... Just to know the person more just to create something that can associate us more with the person... And that's how they affect us...  I don't like this part... It sometimes distorts our personalities... I've seen my friends changing all together because they've been in influence of someone they think they "love"
I think love is a semi-voluntary action (I seriously doubt that such a word exists )...
I know that we are driven by the hormones and liking someone is not at all voluntary, but our actions indeed are semi-voluntary... Why I added semi?
Well we are no doubt under a strong influence of our emotions and hormones bring them high time, the extent up-to which "semi" word is justifiable does depend on our personalty. If you are sane enough (please don't get offended, infatuations make us go crazy) and strong enough, you can take actions voluntary. But if you are not strict enough you might believe that "semi" can be replaced by "in-"!

Don't make a judgment that I'm disrespecting the people who can not stay in semi-voluntary phase, the pressure is high time, and I'm not saying that Prima facie, I know, I've been there and at times nearly lost myself... It's horrible you know, to feel like that, your "Id" is forcing you towards your edge and "Superego" is all, "don't you dare say that to him" and "Ego" is all blind and deaf about "Superego" and listens to Id all the time (Thank you Freud for such a wonderful theory)... But I'm thankful rather than proud, that I collected myself back together in those moments and listen to my mighty "Superego" the savior!

And after all these years of avoiding that "love story" I think I have become incapable altogether of loving someone, I get infatuated but I never fall in love... life makes you practical and I've crossed that stage of being in Love and falling in Love... Until someone disprove it... 