An idiot Zaheen…

He told me one day that he finds me Zaheen (intelligent) I asked why? He said because I understand him... I know he told me this as a compliment but... I kept wondering does he understand me too? He used to ask for my opinions and sometimes used to ask me questions, but now he doesn’t listen... I used to wish he could open up to me and tell me what he is thinking about and now he is telling me things that I always wished he would but he is not listening, like he is not paying attention to what I am saying... and I can tell that very well now, it gets a little irritating at times... I know he gets occupied with thoughts, bad thoughts... and I feel like helping him with them but sometimes I need help too... I need comfort too, I want to be heard too...
I have started imagining those He and She conversations... you remember from my last episode, they again started with a happy note when I started talking with him, but now they have taken a bad turn... I sometimes cry by the end of them, I hurt myself by imagining the worst... why I do that! 
I know he also has started liking me, he might not say it but he does... but this insecurity that I have, that I’m never going to be good enough for him... it’s killing me... I think it has made me go mum now, It was easy when I felt appreciated, when I was seeing myself as someone he is falling for, someone he is desiring... why I feel now that he doesn’t like me anymore, I don’t know... he just told me, just recently that it’s a good thing that I understand him... then why?!?
This one time he asked me about my automatic thoughts, you know like every time my mind wander while studying, he asked me to write what I was thinking… I did and sent it to him, it took huge courage for me to send that to him… I felt like I was opening up to him, giving a piece of me to him, I don’t really know whether he ever really read that or not, because next time when we were on the call he did not talk about it and not after that or after that… I waited for few days and then one day I mentioned those thoughts of mine, he said he never read them… I have decided to never mention that ever to him… out of anger obviously, but out of some sort of sadness, it made me think he doesn’t care… maybe he doesn’t… oh this thought kills me so much… 
I think I feel like a diary entry to him when he ignores what I say, like he is pouring his thoughts out... but is not willing to pay attention to mine... now I don’t have anything to say anymore, because I feel he is not listening...